Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Sunshine

Penpathy

Dear Pen:
Today I feel like maybe I'm having some sort of distant HSP sympathy experience for you. Nothing seems right. Everything is in transition. There's this looming uncertainty that could be just in front of something wonderful or complete and total disaster. Like a spinning plate wobbling on the stick, the need for balance is essential but the wobbling seems so unbalanced and out of control and when will it stop spinning? It's so uncomfortable to be so precariously placed.

I have this weekend and next before a long string of out-of-town weekends, so if I'm truly going to get in the house before Nov. 5 (and let's face it - I must), I have to get moving. But how? How to get past this stuck place into the next place I'm supposed to be...I could make a list but then there's the actual doing. And at this point, there's a sort of weird unclarity about what to put in the box and what to take out of the box and what is actually required to consider myself moved.

Oh, Lord. Help.

Please know as you are packing and wrapping and boxing and making those painful piles of keep/give/trash, that in another state (i.e. the State of Panic), I am doing the same thing for a move just miles from where I am but seems like a great distance.

xo,
Ash

Which Aisle Is That On?

Spied on the grocery list this morning:

* Milk
* Creamer
* Starch
* Money

The Crap in the Hall

The Barrister lives in an apartment that's tucked on an avenue right off downtown in one of the A-Town's hippest neighborhoods. Entering the breezeway, you pass four apartments on the way to the stairs that lead to his apartment (cleverly marked "Bee"). Over the months that I've been darkening The Barrister's door, a strange collection of objects has appeared in said breezeway.

* An empty pizza box from Fox's Pizza Den
* Two bicycles, one often chained to the stairs so that its handlebar rests on the fourth step up
* A pair of Vans with a dinosaur drawn on the right toe
* Leopard-printed bikini bottoms (unfortunately, turned inside out)
* The beer pong table to end all beer pong tables whose top was covered in a complex pattern of colored beer caps
* A gas can, always empty
* A very, very large, almost mutant bug
* Two window screens left out in the rain
* A box marked Romaine Hearts containing heaps of semi-rotting fruit (crabapples?)
* Kitty Friend, a very friendly black and white cat wearing a tinkly-belled collar
* A large black funnel that The Barrister contends is still around somewhere
* A frisbee
* A note reading "Hi, B1. I'm A2. Do you have my FedEx package?"

Ashley the Grouch

* Since I spent most of the weekend actively puking my guts up or feeling like doing so, I'm tentative about eating. Which means I'm hungry. A lot.

* I really hate Taylor Swift. I hate her weird squinty eyes and stupid "Love Story" song, which invokes Romeo & Juliet in the world's most insipid way.

* I hate that Taylor Swift probably thinks Romeo & Juliet are from that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio.

* I have to drive to the outskirts of Atlanta today - for a 4 p.m. meeting. Hello, traffic.

* One of my clients is being unsatisfiable. And I have had it.

* I'm really annoyed when I can't tell whether I'm friends with someone anymore.

* I'm pretty sure that I look fugly today.

* If you have a question that starts with, "Can you...?" the answer is "no." And if you press me, it's gonna be "hell no."

How to Be Late to Work (or Perfecting the Art of Piddling)

* Note that your cell phone memory card is full. Look through and delete 10-12 text messages from your phone.

* Overhear the new Kate Perry video on VH1. Stand slack-jawed in front of the TV and watch.

* Decide today is the day to experiment with accessories. One necklace or two? Long or short? Should I wrap it around twice like a choker first?

* Pet the cat.

* Get inspired to put all the shoes in your floor back in their boxes.

* Realize that you've been standing motionless under the hot shower for an undetermined amount of time, possibly in another dimension.

* Contemplate the outfits that you could wear but don't want to wear.

* Make a list of CDs you've been meaning to buy.

* Snooze.

* Try on sample lipstick from Clinique. Decide it doesn't work and wipe it off. Be reminded that you've been thinking about buying some fingernail polish. Ponder whether or not to just wait for spring.

* Lose your keys. And your cell phone. Where did you put it after deleting those text messages?

* Leave your lunch on the counter. When you go back inside to retrieve it, give in to the compulsion to also fix a travel mug of coffee.

* Be me.

The Thing Is...

I find myself saying this phrase a lot when telling friends and acquaintances about the new (dare I say it?) relationship with The Barrister to preface every item in the litany of unexpected good things about our new "us." And while there isn't really just one thing, the thing is...

...I have a dedicated pair of PJ pants at his apartment for whenever I just need an elastic waistband...

...he's up for whatever I want to do - like feed my new Death Cab for Cutie obsession with tickets to their May show at The Fox...

...he played dominoes with Justin and Eva even though he doesn't like games...

...I have a key...

...we talk about...everything. And whether it's good or it's bad, we just manage to sift through every issue without yelling or getting angry or playing the blame game...

...flowers! I mean, flowers!...

...we go out for sushi, debate about whether to order another roll and decide to get Chick-fil-A milkshakes instead...

...he likes to drive and so he picks me up and chauffeurs me around, and I love it...

...even when I'm wearing my glasses, he pronounces me 'adorable'...

...he read my thesis, and he thought it was good. And he's not the type to blow sunshine...

...he loves House...

...I'm happy...maybe that's it. Maybe that is the thing.

Midnight Miscellany

* I am on Facebook, the seventh time-suckage wonder of the world. This has led to the good, the bad, and the ugly: reunited with a long-silent friend who lives in the ATown; found Chad D., love of my 15-year-old life; and a guy I went to high school with wearing a cowboy hat and a very curly blonde wig, making him just about the ugliest girl I've ever seen.

* Tomorrow is the Come-to-Jesus Part 2: Status Redux. I'll be heading to his house with pizza and indigestion following work tomorrow. Stay tuned.

* Yesterday, my client sent my boss a note about what a great writer I am. I mean, I know it's Writing for The Man, but still, it warms my heart.

* Dillon now says my whole name - although he finds the "l" a bit tricky. But I'll take "Ashey" anyday - even when it's followed by the demand, "Socks off!"

* I am getting the ball rolling with my own volunteer group. I'm both nervous and excited. It's thrilling to think that it could work and be great, and terrifying to think I will be a singles volunteer group with a single volunteer - me.

* The weekend will be partially devoted to a Thanksgiving party with friends - and partly to finishing Breaking Dawn.

* Good night.

Coldplay: A Personal History

"Spies" - First year of grad school. The tiny bedroom in the Abbott's Run apartments. Listening to Parachutes while getting ready for Clyde's class. Dragging out of bed to head downtown to the little brick office on Princess. "Spies come out of the water..." always makes me think of the light through that second floor window, the view of the dumpster, Kim Shable's patio, and the first slight easing of that summer's torrid heat when October arrived.

"Clocks" - I used to travel between Wilmywood and Charlottesville, VA to see Mike when he was in grad school at UVA. The five-hour drive was pretty brutal - an endless stretch of asphalt with very little to look at until you got on I-64 in Richmond and headed into the foothill country toward the college town. I can remember Sunday afternoons, getting on the I-64/I-95 interchange with the windows down and the piano unfolding into the sinking sun, the wind whipping my hair. "Home, home, where I wanted to go..." and wondering exactly where "home" was anymore.

"Fix You" - "And the tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you cannot replace." I sobbed relentlessly over these words as I turned out of the drive at Grace Street for the last time. I was losing something - Wilmywood, my first (real) apartment, my hard-won independence. I let go and jumped into the unknown, letting the tears come, letting "the lights guide [me] home."

"42" - The first time I heard this song, it gave me chills. "Those who are dead are not dead, they're just living in my head. And since I fell for that spell, I am living there as well." What an apt description of the last eight months in the aftermath of Ronnie's death...the retreat into my head where the dead live, where it's the safest and most excruciating place to me. Inside my head, I'm insulated and tortured by all that's there.

And tomorrow, I'll add another memory to my list...

The Professor: A List

* Has broken his nose ELEVEN times wrestling and playing football. I have only broken my nose once, and it was without a doubt the worst pain I've ever experienced.

* Also thinks that Heart of Darkness is a putrid waste of paper - just slightly ahead of The Good Earth.

* Nearly vibrates with hyper energy - like, his general frequency sometimes makes me tired.

* Has a pet peeve about people who have names that are nicknames - like Jack. He says no one should be named Jack because they should be named John and called Jack. Jack is probably my favorite boy's name.

* Told me about reading a book about cats in a store downtown and finding it really interesting. But not interesting enough to get a cat. We all know how I feel about my cat.

* Thinks that my laugh is charming - which is good because I laugh a) a lot b) loudly and c) rather forcefully.

* Totally adopted my fries-with-feta habit at The Grill.

* Am wondering if he should get his own blog label?

* Had a stuttering problem as a child and endured a lot of speech therapy. I've never heard crisper "t's."

* Called me a "pretty gal" tonight - as in, "I like to be able to buy a pretty gal dinner." To which I responded, "Did you really just say that?"

* Is a connoisseur of beer. My favorite bar downtown is a beer garden, and I feel hopelessly inept ordering after him.

* Somehow ended up in a conversation with me about bra sizes tonight? How does this happen to me?

* Owns a pretty impressive house with grown-up furniture in it. Like matching grown-up furniture.

* Has not read Harry Potter. I know, I know. He's getting a pass for a few months, but he better get on it.

* Is very patient about my disdain for academia.

* Knows I won't go out with him on Tuesdays because of House and Fringe.

* Really wants to take me out for Indian food which has me envisioning myself as Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly.

* Thinks I am infinitely wise about pop culture and music. He was so proud watching SNL a couple of weeks ago and recognizing The Killers.

* Sat with me on a bench tonight and let me tell him why I'm obsessed with Twilight...and that I'm not good at arguing, prefer the path of least resistance and that I might have to call my parents and tell them I'd be later than I thought. And he thought all of that was okay.

Tumbled Thoughts from the Shoreline

Right now, I'm sitting on the, well, we'll call it a balcony of my hotel room and listening to the Atlantic fall on the sand again and again. There's enough of a breeze that it's sort of chilly in a way that simultaneously makes me want to go inside and want to sit here shivering just to feel alive. It could be that I'm tired - I was up til 2 a.m. working on our project and then up at 6:45 to get back to it - but I find myself staring into the inky darkness and thinking harder than I want to...

* About working too much. There was the trip to Orlando. And then another to Atlanta after that. I left yesterday morning to be on J.I. now. I'm headed back tomorrow, and then early Wednesday, I'll get up and head to Atlanta. And it's good...I'm proud of myself. But I wonder, what about everything else?

* I'm on this trip with two guys who have kids, and they're always talking about their kids. And I have nothing. I mean, I tell my Dillon stories like a good auntie and laughingly interject something about Kudzu, but sometimes, it just feels empty.

* I feel sad about The Professor and his ex. I feel sorry for her. And I feel sorry for me. It's just a weird place to be in for both of us - me and this girl I don't even know. I feel like she's having to go through the place I just was, and I'm looking at the situation, and thinking, "I'm glad that's not me."

* There's a quiet right now - besides the constancy of the ocean - that makes me feel so solitary. I can't hear anyone else talking, no signs of life. The quiet is almost eerie, and far more lonely than soothing.

* Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how we all think that happily ever after will happen to us. But the truth is, there are so many people who don't have it. For every happily-ever-after is an also-ran. I'm not condemning myself as an also ran yet - and this really isn't the part where I want everyone to tell me that my day will come. This is the part where I face the reality that you don't get everything. And I have stellar friends and a fabulous family life and a good career...and lots of wonderful things. I spend entirely too much time thinking about the missing pieces...especially in light of the fact that maybe - just maybe - they were never meant to be part of the whole.

Gettin' Down to Biz-ness

* With the fancy schmancy cocktail party at the Atlanta office tomorrow. Rah.

* With the college homecoming festivities - I can hardly wait for fried chicken on the hill. And I've charged my camera battery so that I can take approximately 800 photos.

* With yet another business trip to J. Island that promises to be...interesting. Leaving Sunday and gone on Monday and Tuesday. And packing my flack jacket for the angry mobs that are likely to be staking out our meeting.

* With yet another big opportunity at work in Atlanta on Wednesday - again, hand-picked by the creative director. And he reviewed my work from last week's meeting today and said he was so proud that he nearly teared up. And then I nearly did in turn.

* With a less fancy schmancy cocktail party next Thursday hosted by a friend of mine at a downtown hotel. And despite its lesser level of schmancy, I'm looking forward to time with friends.

* With pondering items about The Professor...the significance of the fine line between "when" and "if"...i.e. remarks like "When you meet my parents who live in a far distant state on the other side of the country" as oppose to if. Like it's a done deal. Like yesterday, he said "when" in reference to a family reunion. And then there's the EX Factor. As in his ex is coming for a visit - a closure visit, I guess? So. Yeah. She's here all next week, and I'll just be...waiting??

* With subsequently considering when or if to pursue dating someone else (no one in particular - unless Christian Bale is available)...but just...someone to keep if from turning into when so fast. Plus, I'm a hot ticket - wildly successful in my career, fantastic taste in shoes, and I'm smokin'. So maybe I should share the wealth.

* And then with thinking, Who am I kidding? It's 10 o'clock and I just want to go to bed and finish Twilight.

Thursday Miscellany

* When I'm in the shower in the morning debating what to wear, I imagine my clothing options just like Cher's computer program in Clueless, sliding tops and bottoms back and forth for consideration in my mind.

* My mom has new glasses. This may explain why she purchased prune-flavored yogurt for me instead of mixed berry.

* Rumor has it that Johnny Depp is signing on to play The Riddler in the next installment of Batman. Oh please, oh please say it's true.

* NY Fashion Week purportedly featured models that demonstrated that "thin isn't so in" - several size 2s and 4s worked the runway this year. So go ahead and eat that ice cream, ladies.

* I sort of love my hairdryer. Like, it's been with me through a lot. It comforts me to count on it every morning.

* I'm going on a date tomorrow. A third date, actually.

* In one month? NEW Keane AND Ray LaMontagne. Perfect Symmetry and Gossip in the Grain drop Oct. 14.

* I can't believe Kenley got through with that abhorrent dress last night on ProRun. Although, Blayne's was an atrocity. I'm with Heidi, "Ooooh, that's bad."

* The debut of Fringe has me jonesing to pick up the Dawson's Creek series finale and watch it will eating a whole cookie cake by myself. I heart Pacey.

I...

...went to an event tonight that was outside. People. Come on now. It's August. In Georgia.

...want to post more than a list but it's like, my brain is too...humid?

...kind of love Paulo on Shear Genius

...loaned my intern my She's the Man DVD because she hadn't seen it. Criminal.

...can't stop listening to Adele's "Chasing Pavements" and Estelle's "American Boy" (featuring Kanye)

...have eaten nothing but tomato sandwiches all week. Seriously.

...am playing the world's longest game of phone tag with Kim Shable

...hate being disappointed in people

....think that Terry on Project Runway kinda looks like Michael Jackson, circa Thriller, but maybe it's just that red jacket she wore last week

....thought Paris Hilton's mock presidential ad was hilarious. Well done, Paris Hilton.

...have never before been reading so many books at one time

...bought a plane ticket to go see Jenn in St. Louis in two weeks!

...am tired. And going to bed now.

Potpourri

*Helped Mom and Justin can six gallon-sized freezer bags of fresh tomatoes today. Dad picked up two five-gallon buckets from a friend of his on Friday night. We've had tomatoes for every meal since - including Justin's and Mom's summer marinara pasta sauce with sausage. Deeelish.

* Went to see The Dark Knight with my dear intern on Thursday night. It was delightful to go with a 21-year-old who giggled every time I mentioned how hot Christian Bale is. Oh, and the movie lives up to the hype.

* Dreamed last night that I was at a conference (in Hotel Entrapment, as fate would have it) at which I was forced to attend a Civil War reenactment.

* Due to my father's weekly watching, I'm...um...kind of beginning to like NASCAR. And, for the record, Kasey Kahne is very cute.

* The Tales of Beetle the Bard will be available from Amazon in December. I reserve judgment. It's both thrilling and...well, also potentially a recipe for extreme disappointment. I hope it takes us back to a delicious, bittersweet bit of the Potterverse...and doesn't fall flatter than an overused Fanged Frisbee.

* I wish I could resist the urge to click on the People.com link and feed the Brangelina Baby frenzy. But...I...just...couldn't...not...click.

* Hired a real dynamo at the office last week. No really. She's conversational in 13 languages. I felt my job security slipping.

* School is starting this week. It makes me want to buy pencils. And a Trapper Keeper.

* Today we made blackberry cobbler out of the last of the summer blackberries, and it was August.

Where Ya Been?

* Driving around town with a combination of saran wrap, masking tap and garbage bags covering my window

* Coordinating, with careful precision and much switch-a-roo of vehicles, the replacement of the window

* Taking pictures

* Worrying through Dillon's trip to the emergency room after a fall

* Being introduced by Anna to free, highly addictive, mindless online games

* Helping Mom take care of the Ranger cat's teeth

* Trying not to read/see/overhear Sex & the City spoilers

* Having two suspicious moles removed from my back and getting a 76th diagnosis on the persistent itchy rash

* Pondering the reality that Usher's new song (which features Young Jeezy) is really called "Love in This Club" and the lyrics do actually say, "I want to make love in this club" and "I'll be like your medicine, you'll take every dose of me." Plus there's the invitation to do it in the club bathroom. Romantical. I thought it was spoof the first time I heard it.

* Drinking beer with management Friday afternoon at 3 during BITF (Beer in the Fridge)

* "Graduating" from leadership class - a bit sad, actually

* Talking to STGD about seeing him this weekend at the lake

* Babysitting the Dilly Monster

* Keeping Anna company after a particularly trying week

* Forgetting to email people

* Getting stuck reading a book I can't seem to finish

* Eating Italian Cream Cake

* Making to-do lists

* Waiting for the Dems to pick a candidate already

* Not blogging. Oops.

Wednesday's Whatevers

* I snapped a photo of Dillon in the lion towel I bought him for Christmas and submitted it to the contest held by the company that sold me the towel - and I won! The prize is not even worth mentioning, but I did win.

* Tonight I didn't get home until 10:15 because I was hanging out with friends. Who would've thought?

* I have been having serious night sweats for the past few weeks, and I can't figure out why.

* Today I was trapped in the bathroom stall while the maintenance man changed the trashcan liner. I decided that silence was the best course of action for the least humiliation of all parties involved.

* We started talking about registering for classes today with our interns; and we gave them the beat down for complaining about online registration.

* I love the smell of citronella candles.

* One of today's headlines on Yahoo was about what a great Dr. Evil impression Pres. Bush does. Really?

* On a presidential note, I do have to give props to the first family for keeping Jenna's wedding private. I mean, I know there were pics out there, but it didn't seem to be a three-ring circus. Good for them.

* Angelina Jolie is officially having twins. So glad that's been cleared up.

* Have an important meeting tomorrow. Any thoughts on what I should wear?

* Cream cheese brownies are divine.

UPDATE:
The winning photo, per Andi's request.

The Dillon Report

* Almost 16 months
* Gives bear hugs which involve him launching
into your arms and growling
* Eats broccoli dipped in cocktail sauce
* Had his first ice cream cone last week
* Auntie Ashley taught him to say "puh-ple" for the purple crayon
* Adores bubbles
* Currently enjoys the Strawberry Shortcake kitchen set
that was mine. He and I had tea when he was last here.
* Thinks it's nothing short of magical when I
"crack an egg" on his head

* Likes "bay-bawl" just like Daddy, as evidenced by this photo.
He put the hat on himself, by the way.
* Flips up the ring on his pacifiers and tucks it under his nose.
* Is immediately placated by singing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider"
* Perpetually wants to go "outsigh"
* Managed to get Mama, Justin, Eva and me to sing"Ring
Around the Rosies" with him.His favorite part is "we all fall down."

* Calls Eva "Bah" for no apparent reason
* Finds it insanely funny when I run and say
"Chugga-chugga! Chugga-chugga! Whoo whoo!"
* Squeals with delight when Justin gets after him
with "the cheepers", aka tickles him.
* Enjoys gardening, especially digging and watering
* Hates it when his feet are dirty
* Very earnestly requests "juice"
(which sounds like "Jew" when he says it)
* Is very quickly becoming a little person - amazing

Tuesday's Littany

* My toenails are currently painted white. I'm trying it out. For Mom. Who bought the nail polish for herself but wanted to see if it looked too hip for her. I love that woman.

* Suspect that STGD may no longer be reading my blog for lack of posts containing reference to him. BUT, here he is, and as always, my heart beats for no one else. PLUS, will see him in a month which will surely spur posting.

* Which brings me to the fact that I will likely be wearing a swimsuit with former coworkers. Is that weird?

* Contacted on Friday by a Slightly Creepy Single (i.e. not the Creepy Single). Attempted GREAT diplomacy in saying that I'm not interested.

* Currently considering solitary travel - I know, I know. My mother will have a stroke. But surely I can handle three days in New England by myself?

* Had I remembered that Women's Murder Club is set in San Fran, I would've tried harder to set up a meeting with the girls.

* I love this post that I wrote about Kudzu at the Smartini Bar.

* Never EVER try to upload 385 photos to Shutterfly at one time.

* Currently on download list - Toad the Wet Sprocket, Better than Ezra, Soul Asylum. Yes, I'm totally having a "recover your 8th grade year" moment.

If You're Going to San Francisco...

* Be ready to pay with cash (SF is a town without credit)

* Wear comfortable shoes

* Read the map scale carefully ("a few blocks that way" can be deceiving)

* Beware of THE FOG

* Good luck finding Hayes Valley

* Know that "hills" is an understatement (particularly the Russian ones)

* Do not eat at Lori's Diner (to be regretted the next morning by all parties)

* Wear your elastic pants to Ghirardelli Square

* Pack an extra memory card for the 385 photos you will take

* Get scared by The Bushman

* Check out the Get Offs at the Hemlock Tavern (only if you have industrial strength ear plugs)

* Try not to get killed by the rabid cyclists

* Skip Shakespeare's Gardn [sic] at Golden Gate Park. Jenn's description is far more satisfying than the actual garden.

* Contemplate that the Japanese Tea Garden is worth seeing but maybe not $4 worth seeing and how you would've been much less disappointed if you'd only had to pay $2.

* Avoid the cable car with the scary herky-jerky driver

* See the sea lions

* Prepare yourself for smells ranging from garbage to urine to beer to homeless people to dirty bay water to unidentifiable odors that you'd rather not even contemplate what they actually are.

* Buy art from Eduardo Gustav on Fisherman's Wharf

* Meet up with old friends

* Spend too much money

* Flirt with the European boys on the pier

* Get chills in isolation #13 at Alcatraz

* Giggle on the giggle hallway in the Powell Hotel

* Be prepared to be very, very, very sad when you have to leave