Haters Say the Darndest Things

The Linguista: "Ashley, that shirt you're wearing...it looks like you're trying to hide a pregnancy."

Evil Woman with Whom I was Forced to Work Last week: "You look nice today. You did well. I've never seen any of the women at your firm dress that well." And, on another occasion, "I told my boss that you are pretty competent."

Even More Evil Man I Encountered Last Week: "That's a sad look. You know that look on your face is why you don't have a ring on your finger."

I don't have a ring on my finger, but I clearly have a "kick me" sign on my back.

It Seems Like It's So Much More Complicated Than This...

I saw this on Twitter, and I think it was meant to be sarcastic...but...is it also a little true?

"Falling in love is nothing more than readiness, lust and hope."

All this following an attempt to glean dating wisdom from my mother.

So that's where I am right now. I'm getting my love advice from Mom and Twitter.

Which might qualify me for the Twitter Fail Whale of the Day.

Syllogism

Interoffice instant messaging

Texas Twin: I hate math.

Me: Math is evil

Me: Just like boys.

Me: So...boys are math?

Texas Twin: And girls are...calculators?

Texas Twin: But that would mean we could figure out boys.

Me: Which we cannot.

Me: I'm going to start a band called Boys are Math

Oil Spill (Kids' Edition)

Tonight, while serving dinner at the homeless shelter, one of the kids came up to me and asked me my name. "I'm Ashley," I said. "What's your name?" He told me he was Caleb, that he was 7 and that his birthday is August 8, 2003. Charming, right?

Five minutes later he ran up to me, his hands cupped around an imaginary substance. "Do you know what this is?" he asked.

"No," I said. "What is it?"

"It's oil," he shouted. And then he proceeded to throw it on me, pull his invisible flame-thrower off his back and shower me with fire. "I just set you on fire!" he declared gleefully. "You're burning!"

Um, are you seven? Yes. Yes, you are. Am I disturbed? Yes. Yes, I am.

Quote of the Day

Tonight, I went to happy hour and dinner with a couple of people from the office. The Violinist recently entered into a contract on a house.

Me: Did you get the paint colors figured out for your house?

The Violinist: Yes, we decided on them. And now I've decided on the exact style mix I'm going to furnish it in.

Me: Oh yeah?

The Violinist: I call it "Bordello Spaceship."

I love her.

Quote of the Day

Me: I feel like I look old.

My friend, Nikki: No, no. When I look at you I see funny. And boobs.

Name Game

Dillon's friend Luke has a new baby brother.

Dillon: What's Luke's brother's name?

Eva: His name is Zane.

Dillon: But why?

Eva: Well, because Luke's mom and dad liked that name.

Dillon: Well, if I have another baby, I'm going to name it Fred the Kong.

I Say "Am-a-tcher"

You say...ama-ter? Amater? That's what The Goofball is saying over and over again. Like "diamater" without the "di."

That's so amateur.

David Gray, On Pretention

"I think people are often surprised I don't take myself incredibly seriously. I hate people that are too precious. It's the thing I like least about an artist. I'd rather they be cheap than precious. Art has to exist but I don't think we should bow down and tip toe around it. The splendor of music... f*ck, any fool can do it, for God's sake." ~ David Gray

Things That Are Not Helpful

Dear Seemingly Well-Meaning Acquaintance:
It really wasn't necessary for you to comment on the photo of my chronically ill Kudzu with tidings of your cat who had the SAME symptoms. Who also had a blood transfusion. Who also DIED. I'm not sure if Emily Post wrote on the acceptable things to say to someone who's dearest, most darling, most wonderfullest love is ill, but, lemme tell you, this ain't it. You are not the cat's meow.

Signed,
MyCatIsNotGonnaDie & Hisssss (from Kudzu)

Overheard in the Office Today

Intern: Hey, Linguista?

The Linguista: Yeah?

Intern: What do you think of this subject for an e-mail I'm sending a reporter? "A Woman's Touch Ensures [Client's Service] Doesn't Suck."

The Linguista: I think you just sexually harassed the reporter.

Reverse Psychology

The Barrister and I watched the season finale of So You Think You Can Dance while we put on our own production of So You Think You Can Decorate, which resulted in, I'm sorry to say, a series of rather large misplaced nail holes before we finally got the quadrant of photos hung reasonably straight. Due to the starring role landed by a former contestant, every commercial break featured the trailer for the remake of Fame.

By the end of the show, The Barrister and I were standing in the middle of his living room, admiring our acceptable handiwork when the trailer ran for the 47th time. The Barrister paused, watched a few moments of the trailer and then said, "You know, if you wanted to go see that, I wouldn't say no."

If I wanted to go, huh?

Principles

Last night, my friend Tommy treated me to a belated birthday dinner.

Waitress: Do you want to see the dessert menu?

(Tommy looks at me inquiringly.)

Me: Um, yes. I'm fat, not dead.

Morning @ The Office

Me (to The Linguista): Is this top to boob-y for work?

The Linguista: Ashley, you have large breasts. Everyone knows this. The jig is up.

*****
The Violinist (in response to e-mail suggesting lunch place where one can order delicious falafel pitas): I would like to join your group of pita eatas.

*****

The Violinist (to me): What is my job title? Hobag?

Conversation Starter

"This girl in my class who we really don't like got kicked by a horse last night." --The Barrister

In Deliberations

The Barrister asks me today, "Which is more disappointing to you? That I'm not left-handed or that I'm not British?"

Question of the Day

Dad: What's "bling"? B-L-I-N-G? Bling.

Wisecracking & Wisdom from an Evening with T.

T.: "Yes. I have a man bag."

***

T.: "Nietzsche had it half right. What doesn't kill us doesn't make us stronger. What doesn't kill us makes us afraid."

***

T.: "I always feel like people with tattoos are judging me."

***

T.: "So the question is, what do you want?"
Me: "From life or for dessert?"

***

T: "We're Cancers. We have our shells and our claws, but all we really want is to get rid of them."

***

T.: Have you ever noticed that Adam Duritz's mouth looks like a vagina in the "Round Here" video?

***

Sent by T.: Post-outing photo sent of church sign reading "Now is the time."

My Mom, My Champion

"So I talked to The Professor on the way home from work today," I say. "And I felt kind of bad. He had a really terrible day - his car battery died, and he had to wait 20 minutes for roadside to come and give him a jump...he was almost late to his class, and he wasn't prepared. He sounded pretty miserable."

"Good," Mom says.

"Mom!"

"What? He's an idiot. He deserves a bad day."

One Date, Under God

On Friday night, I went out for drinks with a guy. Let's call him Mississippi. I've known Mississippi for more than a year, but it seems that all that time, he's been harboring the hope of going out on a date with me. It took a lot of back and forth and canceled plans, but we finally made it out to a bar post-work on Friday.

I had a nice glass of pinot grigio, and he was working on a Makers and ginger. We talked about mutual friends, about the happening of life. And then we started talking about the election. It's kind of hard not to - the elections, the local ones at least, indirectly affect his job, so it's to be expected that he'd want to chat about the tickets.

But then we headed out on the patio for Mississippi to smoke. Another little red flag waving in the wind. And then suddenly, a few puffs in, and he's talking about religion and how people who believe in God are rather silly. "If it goes well, it's a miracle. And if doesn't, it's a curse." That's followed by an in-depth description of the utter ridiculousness of believing in God. And then he said, "I'm going to come right out and say it - I'm pretty much an atheist."

Silence.

"Um, yeah," I laughed that Nervous Laugh in Response to Weird Situations. "I'm...not."

And so, as Daisy says, it always comes back to Jesus.