Promises, Promises (31)

- To post soon (about something besides Kudzu)

- To move

- To reflect upon meeting the one and only Mendacious

- To be older

- To get my passport (for Mendacious)

- To write more poems, essays, letters

- To think about tomorrow

- To take a break

- To call

- To wear a dress

- To go to bed

FAIL

* Blogging

* Reading the novels sent to me by Kim Shable and Susan

* Leaving the bar at Smartini

* Seeing Reese and Dillon

* Contact with the outside world

* House-hunting

* Being productive at work

* Writing (in a way that uses that MFA thing I've got)

* Finances - surprise - $270 for car servicing! Taxes not back yet. Yelch.

* Sending back the merchandise that Amazon sent me incorrectly

* March project for volunteer group (although, I will have to partially blame it on the rain that is falling, falling.)

* Putting a picture of The Barrister on my desk at work

* Life, generally speaking

Commentary from The Mike

Tonight on the phone, catching up with Mike, he says:

"So I was on a date with this girl last night - really attractive girl. But she smelled funny....She was hot, so I thought maybe I could get past it. But then I thought, thirty years down the road, I could be saying, 'My wife smells funny.'"

When asked how old she is:

"21."

"21??? Mike!"

"Yeah, but I'm a guy. I can get away with it."

"That makes me want to vomit."

"But you know it's true."

Voicemail of the Day

From STGD:
Okay, I'm officially changing my story. Hot dude behind me - out of frustration - just put his hands up to his face like MacCaulay Caulkin in Home Alone. And then I realized he's missing his front tooth. So...scratch everything I said earlier.

Third Time's a Charm

The first time, I panic. And cry. Kim comes down from her apartment on 6th and keeps me company until the police come. I lament my lost Indigo Girls and the CD player that leaves a gaping hole in the dash front.

The second time, I am annoyed. The water meter cover through the window that destroys the console and causes like $1,500 worth of damage to the car is worse than some of the wrecks I've had. I am comforted only by the poetic justice of knowing that the perps made off with two bags of garbage from my trunk.

The third time, I wonder what the universe is trying to tell me. What is it, I wonder, that I've done to end up sitting in my car again amidst shattered glass waiting for the five-o.

On my way to the car today, I call Kim and I get her voicemail and I say, "Hey, man. I just left the office and I'm getting in the car and...oh...my car's been broken into. There's glass everywhere. I gotta call the cops. I'll call you back." This might surpass the strangeness of the time I told her I was having an allergic reaction and would have to call her back.

I stand out on the sidewalk after calling 911 to wait for the patrol unit headed my way. I call Mom. She's with Anna, who's giving out the scholarship in Ronnie's memory at the local high school. She wants to send Dad home immediately. I say no.

It's hot. My boss comes out and stands with me until the policeman arrives. He's stocky, military haircut, tattoo under his left sleeve. I run through the scenario - I've done this before - and tell him nothing's been taken. The perp didn't even get in the car; all doors were still locked.

The cop asks me, "Angry boyfriend?" I laugh, rather loudly. And then I realized he's serious. "Um, no."

"Anyone else?" I know he has to ask these questions; I mean, that's his job. But the laughableness of it.

"No," I say. "I can't think of anyone who..." Would hurt me? That sounds so Lifetime. Who would do this to me? Total victim. Very 90210. "...who would...be mad at me...like this." Okay, so that totally doesn't make sense, but it was the best I had.

I had a list of things I was going to do when I got home to help Mom around the house. Instead, I fashioned a window out of Saran Wrap and masking tape and cleaned roughly five pounds of glass shards out of my car.

If this was six months ago, I'd no doubt be rather hysterical over the attack on my car. But after a moment in which I said something really maudlin to my mom (thank God the phone cut out), I realized when I called her back that this is small. In the grand scheme of things, it's a few thousand shards of glass.

If You're Going to San Francisco...

* Be ready to pay with cash (SF is a town without credit)

* Wear comfortable shoes

* Read the map scale carefully ("a few blocks that way" can be deceiving)

* Beware of THE FOG

* Good luck finding Hayes Valley

* Know that "hills" is an understatement (particularly the Russian ones)

* Do not eat at Lori's Diner (to be regretted the next morning by all parties)

* Wear your elastic pants to Ghirardelli Square

* Pack an extra memory card for the 385 photos you will take

* Get scared by The Bushman

* Check out the Get Offs at the Hemlock Tavern (only if you have industrial strength ear plugs)

* Try not to get killed by the rabid cyclists

* Skip Shakespeare's Gardn [sic] at Golden Gate Park. Jenn's description is far more satisfying than the actual garden.

* Contemplate that the Japanese Tea Garden is worth seeing but maybe not $4 worth seeing and how you would've been much less disappointed if you'd only had to pay $2.

* Avoid the cable car with the scary herky-jerky driver

* See the sea lions

* Prepare yourself for smells ranging from garbage to urine to beer to homeless people to dirty bay water to unidentifiable odors that you'd rather not even contemplate what they actually are.

* Buy art from Eduardo Gustav on Fisherman's Wharf

* Meet up with old friends

* Spend too much money

* Flirt with the European boys on the pier

* Get chills in isolation #13 at Alcatraz

* Giggle on the giggle hallway in the Powell Hotel

* Be prepared to be very, very, very sad when you have to leave

What Dreams May Come: Part 2

Yesterday morning, I dreamed that I was on the phone with my friend from college, Jenny Ray. I haven't talked to her in quite some time. As dreams do, this one faded away as the morning wore on and I went about the habits of everyday living.

I drove to Atlanta yesterday for Justin's birthday and because I had to be in the Atlanta office today. On the way there, I was thinking that I should use the time to catch up with someone, and I remembered the dream and thought I should call Jenny Ray. But someone else called, and then I arrived at Justin and Eva's and it was forgotten. Until after dinner when I noticed I had one missed called and a voicemail on my cell: from Jenny Ray.

Celebrate Good Times

Despite the fact that I'm a tad grouchy about turning 28, the 72-hour birthday extravaganza surrounding the event were enough to wash away the blues. These included

* Arrival of owl post bearing gifts from afar

* Shoe shopping at DSW's 80 percent off summer clearance sale with Mom, Anna, Eva & Dillon. The prevalence of the 80 percent off stickers nearly caused my circuits to overload.

* A card from my sister that wished me clearance shoes in my size. In the end, I walked away with three pairs.

* Funny e-cards and well-wishing emails and lovely comments on the blog

* Greek salad with grilled shrimp

* Sushi at Utage and milkshakes from The Grill (courtesy of Eva & Justin)

* Blueberry pancakes made by Chef Justin

* A card from Justin with a poem about farting (I love my brother)

* A gift certificate from Mom for a massage

* Dillon's first bath in the sink in which he determined that splashing is fun

* Sunday dinner at Blue Willow Inn, which I'm not sure those of you not from The South can truly appreciate. But it's sweet tea, fried chicken, collard greens and sweet potato casserole that will knock your socks off finished with chess pie. Mmmm.

* A new teacup for my collection

* A card from my parents that made me cry

Here's hoping for many happy returns.

Jackpot!

2:45 p.m. today, phone rings

Me: Hello?

STGD: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: Eating Doritos and watching a Shania Twain video on CMT.

STGD: God, it's like you've won the lottery.

Second Friday

* Smelled: Honeysuckle, gardenia

* Walked: 3 miles

* Trimmed: Mom's lantana in the backyard

* Purchased: Mother's Day card

* Carried: New Target purse

* Listened: iPod...Tori Amos, DMB, Justin Timberlake, Craig David

* Watched: Pride & Prejudice

* Photographed: Kudzu, kitchen counter, resting on the dish towel

* Called: Former high school English teacher

* Scheduled: Coffee date with former high school English teacher, lunch with Jenn

* Contemplated: Nothing

* Appreciated: Thunderstorm

Best Voicemail Ever

From my brother:
"I'm stuck in traffic. It's about 6:30. And there's a man behind me in a suit and tie in a Mercedes Benz. Twice now he's stuck his finger in his nose - up to the second knuckle - and then placed the findings in his mouth. And chewed. It's absolutely horrifically disgusting. Oh! Oh! Oh! He's in it again! He is! He is! He found it! And he put it in his mouth! Ugh!! And he's back again - for a fourth time! Omigod. That's disgusting. Love you. Bye."

Dial M for Murder

Dear 264-7440:
This is a cease and desist request. Stop calling me. We are not - nor have we ever been - friends. I don't know you. And you don't know me. I think we've established that from the awkward pause from you after I pick up the phone and the way you say "hello" with a definite question mark like you don't know who you called. I wouldn't think much of it except that you keep calling. How is it that you keep calling the same wrong number? How stupid are you?

I would think by now that you would be more careful when dialing your phone. But no! You called me twice when I was in Atlanta, once in the week that followed, twice on Tuesday, and even though I left my cell phone at home today on accident, I noticed that you called twice in a row this morning. Get a clue! I am not your boyfriend or the man you wish was your boyfriend or the man you're stalking. I don't know who you're trying to call, but it isn't me. Or if it is, I don't want to talk to you.

Hang it up,
Ash

Sprout Vote

Just a quick update. We have two votes for boy and one vote for girl. Two votes for either. I'll hear something tomorrow morning. I'm going to throw my vote in the ring. I think it's a girl. I don't really care one way or the other. As I said, I can spoil both equally. Justin called and asked me if he needed to wait to call me after work or if it would be okay to call me during work. Silly boy. I'm taking my phone into staff meeting!