Overheard in the Office Today

Intern: Hey, Linguista?

The Linguista: Yeah?

Intern: What do you think of this subject for an e-mail I'm sending a reporter? "A Woman's Touch Ensures [Client's Service] Doesn't Suck."

The Linguista: I think you just sexually harassed the reporter.

Conversation Starter

"This girl in my class who we really don't like got kicked by a horse last night." --The Barrister

How to Be Late to Work (or Perfecting the Art of Piddling)

* Note that your cell phone memory card is full. Look through and delete 10-12 text messages from your phone.

* Overhear the new Kate Perry video on VH1. Stand slack-jawed in front of the TV and watch.

* Decide today is the day to experiment with accessories. One necklace or two? Long or short? Should I wrap it around twice like a choker first?

* Pet the cat.

* Get inspired to put all the shoes in your floor back in their boxes.

* Realize that you've been standing motionless under the hot shower for an undetermined amount of time, possibly in another dimension.

* Contemplate the outfits that you could wear but don't want to wear.

* Make a list of CDs you've been meaning to buy.

* Snooze.

* Try on sample lipstick from Clinique. Decide it doesn't work and wipe it off. Be reminded that you've been thinking about buying some fingernail polish. Ponder whether or not to just wait for spring.

* Lose your keys. And your cell phone. Where did you put it after deleting those text messages?

* Leave your lunch on the counter. When you go back inside to retrieve it, give in to the compulsion to also fix a travel mug of coffee.

* Be me.

While You're There, Comb Your Hair - Don't Forget Your Underwear

* Getting ready to shower on Saturday morning at Anna's, I realized that I'd forgotten to pack any underwear. I had to borrow from Anna - and for those of you who know the difference between our body types, you can understand that even her granniest panties were my thongs.

* I saw Les Mis for the fourth time this weekend, and it threw me back to my insane theater freak days. I confess - "Bring Him Home" still gives me shivers, "The Final Confession" still makes me cry, and the smell of the Fox Theatre still makes me happy. Javert was out-of-this-world good, and Eponine's "On My Own" was perfection.

* On the way to Les Mis, Eva looked over my outfit - a black cropped swing jacket over a sheer cream colored ruffled blouse and black pants - and said, "Wow, you look fabulous." She thought for a minute and said, "I had forgotten what I used to be like - I would've planned what to wear today. Instead, I just threw something in the bag." She sighed a little, and I thought...there are two sides to everything.

* Dillon has gotten so big! And talkative! He now calls me "Ashley," although the "l" is pretty subtle. I'm amazed how much he can already communicate - and how much of a little boy he's become. (All 25 pounds of him!)

* Anna decided to let Zeke and Eli run free in her yard on Saturday. Only, they didn't - as she had hoped - merely frolick in the backyard where she and Dad were weeding. Instead, they took off like bullet trains through the woods. The recovery effort took about an hour. It made me feel slightly better to know that it isn't just me.

* While we sat on the back porch this afternoon and enjoyed the crisp mountain air tinged with fall, Anna did her Sunday coupon clipping. "I need new shampoo," I said, thumbing through one of the sales papers. She tossed me an envelope stuffed full of coupons to see if she had one for shampoo. I sorted through the massive pile, chuckling at the fact that she cuts and sorts every coupon. Including one for Durex condoms and two for Depends.

Wardrobe Malfunctions

I had a date with The Professor tonight. It's a long story why we planned a nice dinner on a Wednesday, so I won't bore you with the details - especially when I can offer you the following:

1) I was wearing a geometric-print tunic top over black pants - feeling pretty sassy. At some point during the day though, I sat on the tunic and pulled too much on the silk fabric and ripped a three-inch hole in the seam. And where was that hole? Approximately - no, directly - exposing my lovehandle every time I sat.

2) To finish off my sassy look, I wore black patent leather slingbacks. After dinner, we were walking through downtown and my heel wedged into a hole in a sewer cover. As I stepped forward and realized my foot was caught, I sort of fell into The Professor and grunted. He said, "Wow. That was kind of awesome. I've never actually seen that happen to anyone." And then - "That noise you made was...something. Really low." And then he reenacted it.

So much for bringing sexy back.

We've Created a Monster

Tonight Dad met YouTube.

He literally just watched a kid play Pachelbel's canon on an electric guitar.

Yipe.

He Said/She Said/They Said: Company Retreat Version

At dinner Friday night

Me: "It reminds me of Max Headroom."

The rest of the dinner table: "Who?"

Me: "Max Headroom? He was...wait. How old are you guys?"

A chorus of 22s and 23s.

____________
Standing outside of a very chic shoe store in Savannah.

Possible Connection Person: I wish...I wish I could stomach spending that much for shoes. They were really cute.

Me: Yeah, me, too.

Possible Connection Person: Sometimes I hate being so responsible.
____________
On the elevator

ATown Coworker (to The Rockstar): "Hey did you know you're the only single guy at the firm?"

The Rockstar: I guess I'd never thought about it...

Me: What about (ATL coworker)?

The Rockstar: Well, um...yeah. I mean. He's...he's single. But he doesn't like girls."

(How did I miss this??)
_____________

At lunch at Lady & Sons, Paula Deen's restaurant

ATL Coworker: I'm disappointed. I can't believe the menu. This food is so bad for you.

Me: Do you know who Paula Deen is?
____________
In the lobby, preparing to depart and a female coworker from ATL who sat with me at breakfast approaches. She holds out one arm.

Her: Hey, Ashley!

Me (leaning in slightly awkwardly to hug her): It was great to meet you this weekend.

Her: Um, yeah. I was hoping you could take me and my husband to the airport.

Oops, I hugged a coworker.
___________
Yesterday out shopping, we run into one of the two owners of the company. The rest of the crowd with me goes into the Marc Jacobs store. I stand on the sidewalk talking to The Boss.

The Boss: We sure are glad you joined the company.

Me: Thank you. I'm excited to be here.

(I know for certain this is at least the sixth time I've had this conversation with him.)
____________
Friday night at the 80s prom

ATown Coworker: You say you're an introvert, but I'll never believe you after tonight.

Me: Liking to dance and liking people are two very different things.

Things That Make You Go Whoops

I've been remiss in posting the last couple of days while I was in Atlanta with Justin, Eva and Dillon. I went to keep her company on Wednesday because Justin had to entertain clients late into the evening. Around 7:30, Eva and I headed for the car to dash out for dinner. We had been waiting on my cousin to show up when she called and cancelled due to work obligations. We had just a tiny window before Dillon was going to put on his fussy pants and demand his last bottle and bed. Did I mention we were voraciously hungry?

All of these things - the hunger, the lateness of the hour, the impending fussy pants episode, and the position of the garage in relation to the driveway - combined for a collossal oops. As we pulled out of the garage, Eva smashed into the back end of my Rav.

Now, some of you may know that Eva's a little bit notorious behind the wheel. For my grad school comrades, you may remember that I catalogued another famous car accident of hers in my short story "Car Crashes." And there's another story we like to tell about her driving when she had a tiny Ford Probe (totalled in aforementioned story accident) when I was on the way to her apartment with my boyfriend at the time. We were a little turned around when this silver bullet whipped around us, nearly clipping the corner of the car. And while my boyfriend was swearing at her, I said, "Follow her! That's Eva!"

The weird thing was that I knew it was going to happen. As the garage door lifted up and I spied the Rav behind us in the driveway, it just clicked in my head that she was going to hit it. But when she started easing out of the garage, I thought she saw it. When she cleared the trash can, she accelarated, and though I called out her name, she didn't have time to hit the breaks before she hit the car.

Bless her sweet heart. She felt so awful. And I felt so awful, looking at the bumper pulled away from the body and crumpled underneath. She couldn't stand the suspense and interrupted Justin's dinner meeting to tell her what she'd done. Between losing the dog last week and the accident this week, I'm doubtful that I'll be invited back to their house for awhile.

VMAs - A Recap In Brief

For your reading pleasure, and for those of you who missed it, I'll recap the events of the MTV VMAs in 5 words or less. Spoilers abound below.

Oh, and if you want to catch the action, I'm sure it'll only be on 240 times this weekend while you're trapped in your house with Ernesto.

* Winner for Pathetic Use of the Entourage on the Red Carpet: P Diddy's Silence

* Justin Timberlake's show opening performance: Bringing Sexy back
* Jack Black's opening sequence: Included the word "erection"

* Vanessa Manillo's dress: Tight bunchy busty fugly mermaid

* Vanessa Manillo: Kind of orange
* Blackeyed Peas beating "Golddigger" for Best Hip Hop Video: Fergie's humps ain't that great

* Shakira's performance: We get it. You bellydance.

* Ludacris & Pharrell's performance: Gold lame gone wrong

* Addendum to the Ludacris & Pharrell performance: The Pussycat Dolls are men

* Jessica Simpson: As dumb as ever

* Okay Go: Revolutionizing the treadmill - live


* The guys of Jackass: Still jackasses

* Paris Hilton's attire said: Attacked by angry ballerina

* Pink's acceptance speech: A Fiona Apple Throwback

* John Norris: Apparent victim of Sun-In

* Beyonce's alarming performance of "Ring the Alarm": Ultimate pop-and-lock sequence

* T.I.: Who the heck is T.I.??

* Jared Leto: Not Jordan Catalano anymore


* All-American Rejects: Moving along to the bar

* Jack White: Talented but needs a shower

* Presenter Rhianna's dress: Presenting boobs on a shelf


* Panic! at the Disco: Happening Mad Hatters Hot Performance

* Best New Artist, Avenged Sevenfold: "Thank you, God...whichever one."

* Great cameo by Spederline: Oops, I Lost Sean P.


* Kanye West's Video Vanguard Award: The word is "STY-le", not "stal"

* Video Vanguard Presentation: Ernesto is in the house!

* Sarah Silverman's Paris-Hilton-is-fat speech: BRILLIANT

* Christina Aguilera: Plastic hair, hot red dress

* Best Rock Video goes to AFI: And beats "Dani California"???

* Jackass boys, Part II: Always shirtless or naked

* Viewer's Choice Fallout Boy: Yes, he's wearing a cape

* Me at 11:06: I was promised The Killers!!


* Al Gore: Rockin' the Clinton tactic

* Jennifer Lopez: Braless, ta-tas bouncing

* Panic! at the Disco, Video of the Year: Men without hats, strange hair

* Axl Rose's corn rows: Sweet fancy Moses

* The Killers: Hurrah! Finally!


Noteworthy and more than 5 words:
* Justin Timberlake to Jack Black: "Look, Jack. I've maximixed your storage space and added little hook for your keys."

* Al Gore: "I wasn't going to be here tonight, but then MTV explained to me that Justin Timberlake is bringing sexy back. So."

* Justin on Jennifer Lopez: "Why's she wearing a skull cap? That's what I want to know."

* Jack Black on "Six", the mic interceptor when video of the year was announced: "Ooh, I think Six is the new Soy-Bomb!"

Biggest upsets? Madonna & Red Hot Chili Peppers - shut out! Christina Aguilera - shut out! Kanye West - shut out! Times I felt old and out of touch? At least once every fifteen minutes. Longest. Post. Ever. Thanks for tuning in. Look out, Suchin Pak. I'll have your job next year.

Oops, I Hugged a Client!

I had an awkward moment at work today that I keep thinking about, and it alternately makes me laugh and wince. I had an event today at a country club/golf course. They wanted everything to be pretty and had wet down the greens, turning the whole place into a turf sauna. And for those of you who don't golf, there aren't many trees to be found, so there's NO SHADE. The heat index was around 105, and I found the heat threshold for both my makeup and my hair - both of which wilted instantly.

After our little course tour, we went inside. As my boss said, for a moment, it almost made you hotter when the air conditioner made you realize how hot you had gotten. At this point, I'm in a crowded room. Ripe with sweat. Completely overheated. Experiencing that strange darkness after your pupils over dilate. When a board member approaches. I wasn't angled properly to shake his hand. And without thinking, I kind of put my arm around him, leaned into him and half hugged him. Now let me clarify by saying this man is much older, could be my dad or under some circumstances, my grandfather, so it was awkward more in the sense that I don't know him very well and not because of sexual harrassment. But I hugged him. And he did seem kind of surprised. Agh. What was I thinking? And my boss was standing right there. I'm pretty sure that's going to be a mark against "professional behavior" on my next review.