Hotwired

On Monday, I sit through the staff meeting jonesing to get out of my skin. I can almost hear my thoughts accelerating, chipmunking like a record played at too-high RPM. The sunlight in the conference room is bright; I laugh too loud. And I feel like everyone can tell that I am different.

On Tuesday, I sit at my desk fighting sleep. Not just I didn't get enough sleep last night nodding. Drugged sandbag eyelid sleepy. I lean my face into my hand, shielding my eyes from the door, so that it looks to a casual passerby like I'm reading the screen intently. I fall asleep for five to ten minutes.

On Wednesday, I am in a meeting an I am talking and in the middle of the sentence, I falter...the thread I was following goes down a rabbit hole...but I keep talking and I have no idea if I am making sense. I stop talking and everyone looks like they understand, but I don't.

On Thursday, I get out of the bed and it starts: fingers trembling (it's hard to put in contacts) and pulse racing and the nausea. And I take breaks - sit down between the shower and drying my hair, taking deep breaths.

And somewhere in my brain, the wires are crossing, the sparks are flying, the motor is revving, and I'm going...whether I want to or not.