Audaciously Me - Should I Be?

I am loud.

It's true.

My voice is loud. My laugh is loud. And I'm coming to believe that my personality is just a little bit loud, too.

The first day that I worked at The New Job, I remember being able to hear the whir of the ceiling fans. But the other day, my boss mentioned something about my loudness. And then The Rockstar noted that I was the most likely to say something "wildly inappropriate." And the list goes on. (But, really, STGD, I used to be way worse - you really helped me with "that's a bite.")

Now, I hear my voice every time it breaks the quiet. My laugh sounds like a bark - and I find that I try to swallow it unless it's something really funny. (Am I just reflex laughing anyway?) And before I say something, I run it through a filter. I've stopped talking quite so much, requiring me to literally bite my tongue.

When I think about it, I realize that I talk - a lot. There's one girl in the office who's getting married in three months, and I had to ask what her last name is going to be the other day - because I don't know her fiance's name. But when it comes to me, I'm an open book. I guarantee you all of my coworkers could name my family members, several friends and likely my former coworkers (that's you, STGD).

And I wonder...is this a bad thing? This loud open way that I have? Should I be quieter, listen more, talk less? It's driving my insecurity up a notch or two - and it's rather like this pinup: like finding yourself with your undies around your ankles in the middle of the room. Vulnerable and uncertain, and measuring your steps carefully so you don't end up flat on your face and embarrassed even further.

I don't know if this is me - well, okay, I know it's me. But is it me, or is it a habit I've fallen into? Much like the question I posed in a previous post...should I be more mysterious? Is this an unattractive quality about me and thus something to be refined? Or at the very least, could I give people a reason to wonder what I'm going to say? Instead of just knowing they won't have to wait long for me to say something.

And can I do it? Can I curb this impulse to spit out witticisms and puns and laugh at my own jokes and everyone else's and say everything I'm thinking? I wonder...but I think, nature or nurture, I'm going to take it upon myself to work on shutting me up before someone else tells me to do it.