Even though one of my New Year's resolutions was to "blog it out", I wonder sometimes if I say too much. I've never been known for my poker face or my bluffs. Like ol' Geo Washington, I cannot tell a lie.
But there's a difference between telling a lie and telling everything you know. And sometimes, I wonder if I err on the side of showing my hand when it really isn't necessary. I wish I was more mysterious, more of the kind of person that intrigues. But the truth is, I tend to blurt out whatever's on my mind whether or not I'm asked to share it. I often say that I'm a teller - I'll tell you anything you want to know about me. I'm a walking Freedom of Information Act.
I suppose in some ways that's how I interpreted blogging it out - using the blog as a forum to sort through things "out loud." Puzzle through whatever is on my mind and come to some conclusion.
But sometimes, I think I've got my thoughts too much on my sleeve. I feel like Slim Goodbody - all my insides on the outside, exposed. Which is my own fault. No one's forcing me to tell what I tell...but is it too much? It was all good and well for Slim to have his spleen on the outside, but I wonder...does everyone wish I'd stop venting mine?
Monday, March 17, 2008
On My Sleeve
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11 cat calls:
no.
having never met you and though i feel now i might have... i still find you a mystery. from your close knit family, to those sexy heels you got for work, to well all of georgia really, and your lack of passport and your obsession with john mayer. i could go on and on. in one way sure you reveal as we all must but then in another sense it's like, wow who is this person with these thoughts and feelings. she's all expressing them and what not- how cool is that?! also
if i may get crazy spiritual for one second- sometimes being vulnerable is exactly what is needed- it confirms you're not alone, that people identify with you, that it's where youre standing for that moment even if not completely understood. there is no shame in that. and only the darkness who wishes to consume you would tell you that.
though i know peoples comments (ahem) can be totally annoying and off base and all opinionated and what not... but it's worth it right?! i'm telling you!
I agree with mendacious.
You are not the same girl I knew in school and your posts help me to learn who you are now. I certainly don't think it's too much if 'blogging it out' is what helps you get through things. This is your blog - do with it what you please! Goodness knows that's the philosophy I have for mine! :)
Oh, and that picture of Slim is horrific. Isn't he missing some *parts*?
Totally agree with Megs. This blog is how I keep up with you, your daily life and how you are doing! So keep on bloggin'!
Your blog rules. Don't change a thing!
I love your honesty and insights--it's one of the best things about you, and by sharing yourself, you help us all explore our own feelings and help us along on our own journeys.
Mendacious...many thanks. We'll have to meet someday and discuss stilettos and the finer points of The South.
Megan, Temp, Jenn...thank you for your kind words and votes of confidence.
I guess I just sometimes worry that this openness is off-putting. Or melodramatic. Or just the kind of thing one keeps to oneself.
But I feel compelled to write it, to put it out there, and I guess I should just go with it. If it helps the world at large - even those closest to me - to know me better...if it gives one person hope or comfort or affirmation or just a moment of "yes, that's how grief/panic/uncertainty" feels...then it's something.
I love what you do. Your blog is truly one of my favs, and not just because I know you and like you as a person. There will always be someone who doesn't like us or our blogs, but you know, it's like the TV. If you don't like it, then change the goddamn channel. Read another blog!
Pen, I love what you do - and I heart your comment. :)
you know, that's how nonfiction writers always feel. There will always be someone around to say your writing/blog is "confessional" when what they would have said if they were nice was "honest." Or someone to complain that you're too open/melodramatic/hysterical/female.
I mean, really. Isn't that what men have been telling us for years? Don't worry about that crap. Say what's on your mind whenever and however you want. I have a bumper sticker on my car right now that says "in a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act." dramatic? ok. Melodramatic? Sure. But those are just code words designed to make you feel shame (even if the words come from you).
Here's a cheesy but fabulous Marge Piercey poem (See what just happened? I like this poem, I do, I'm posting it, but I had to call it cheesy as a preemptive strike to anyone who thinks I dont' know that it is sentimental and, you know, not by Charles Simic)
“For strong women”
A strong woman is a woman who is straining.
A strong woman is a woman standing
on tiptoe and lifting a barbell
while trying to sing Boris Godunov.
A strong woman is a woman at work
cleaning out the cesspool of the ages,
and while she shovels, she talks about
how she doesn’t mind crying, it opens
the ducts of the eyes, and throwing up
develops the stomach muscles, and
she goes on shoveling with tears
in her nose.
A strong woman is a woman in whose head
a voice is repeating, I told you so,
ugly, bad girl, bitch, nag, shrill, witch,
ballbuster, nobody will ever love you back,
why aren’t you feminine, why aren’t
you soft, why aren’t you quiet, why
aren’t you dead?
A strong woman is a woman determined
to do something others are determined
not be done. She is pushing up on the bottom
of a lead coffin lid. She is trying to raise
a manhole cover with her head, she is trying
to butt her way through a steel wall.
Her head hurts. People waiting for the hole
to be made say, hurry, you’re so strong.
A strong woman is a woman bleeding
inside. A strong woman is a woman making
herself strong every morning while her teeth
loosen and her back throbs. Every baby,
a tooth, midwives used to say, and now
every battle a scar. A strong woman
is a mass of scar tissue that aches
when it rains and wounds that bleed
when you bump them and memories that get up
in the night and pace in boots to and fro.
A strong woman is a woman who craves love
like oxygen or she turns blue choking.
A strong woman is a woman who loves
strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly
terrified and has strong needs. A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
suckling her young. Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.
What comforts her is others loving
her equally for the strength and for the weakness
from which it issues, lightning from a cloud.
Lightning stuns. In rain, the clouds disperse.
Only water of connection remains,
flowing through us. Strong is what we make
each other. Until we are all strong together,
a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid.
Jessica, it may not be Charles Simic, but it's powerful.
This part? "A strong woman
is a mass of scar tissue that aches
when it rains and wounds that bleed
when you bump them and memories that get up in the night and pace in boots to and fro." This is me...and this is so visceral and - and - true! - for me right now.
I've never been a non-fic writer...so there's this impulse every once in awhile that when I put something out there...it's just too much. It's an "inside voice" gone out. Thank you for the inspiration to keeping being "outside."
Part of me wants to just tease you for fishing for compliments, because you can't seriously doubt that we aren't all enthralled by your writing and posts and the way you can so beautifully and poignanty express yourself, can you? But, then, if you really are this vulnerable, I don't want to make light of it. Because please don't think we are tiring of your blog in any way. . I, for one, love how you capture even the smallest moments and describe them in such detail - I'm not sure I could describe anyone I know so well as you did Ronnie in your recollection of what you knew about him. . you just really have a way of saying things in such descriptive and visual ways, and your word choice is always so carefully crafted as well to enhance the whole story and really emphasize the emotions - it's hard to describe, but it's powerful and effective. And your stories keep me in touch with you and your life, but they transcend you in ways, too and help us all appreciate a part of our own world a little more. so thank you and keep blogging it out by all means.
Also, wow on the poem. I loved the "memories that get up
in the night and pace in boots to and fro." line. awesome. And
"Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail."
love it. thanks for sharing.
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