Right Now

I reached a turning point this week in the transition period. Not really awareness. Just a sudden restless feeling. Listless, grouchy and snappish. Craving quiet and then noise. Meeting Mom at the door when she gets home declaring, "I'm bored." Waiting for the deep dark of night when I am alone again.

Yearning for a place and yet afraid to find it. Trapped between where I was and where I'm going. I want to yell at everyone, "You don't understand" and then am desperate to talk to someone who does. Annoyed by the faces that make me hesitate - are you from here or from there? Do I really know you or did I know you in a former life? An understated case of schizophrenia.

I rub my brows a lot. I've come up with a hundred analogies for this place in my life. I'm like a cat being dropped. I'm like an exchange student. I'm like a time traveler. Adjectives to describe it that I've never used before now. I told Mom tonight I am "cagey."

I saw on the History Channel this place in California called The Mystery Spot that seems to defy gravity - balls rolling upward, people standing upright appear on an incline. But it was debunked as a trick of perspective. The whole site is built at an odd angle, and the creator was careful to remove all traces of the normal horizon with a very high surrounding fence.

All my points of reference are gone. I don't quite know where I'm standing. And everything outside of the fence - that normal horizon that everyone else is operating according to - seems very foreign and very distant. And I knew it was coming - I did - but that it's here and I'm feeling it doesn't make it any easier.