Teenage Wasteland

Dear Mallrats of America:
To the teenagers nationwide, you have made it glaringly obvious to me that I am now old. Not only did I mistake some of you for middle-schoolers whilst out shopping yesterday, you also provoked me into saying things that I thought only my parents would say. But, in acceptance of my role as your older, wiser counterpart, I give you the following advice.

* You are not nearly so in love as you think you are. By that, I mean you cannot possibly be so in love that you need to make out in the Auntie Anne's Pretzel line. Or kiss and touch against one of the candy-striped pillars.

* You are naked. Put some clothes on. You may dare to wear short shorts, but we wish you wouldn't. And it's cold out. So put the hot pants away and cover up.

* I know that Hot Topic is a very important store. Please don't knock me down (as I am now an old lady) to get there.

* If you're going to purchase an item in a store and happen to be in line in front of me, please stop texting long enough to pay so that the rest of us may do the same.

* And, lastly, for those of you inspired by Insane Clown Posse and the like, I dig that you're an angsty teenager and that you're expressing yourself with the all-black clothes and the blue hair and the wallet chains. I just wanted to tell you - it does get better.

So get your hand out of your boyfriend's pocket, put on some pants and get out of my way. I'm older and have better insurance.

Happy Holidays,
Ash

P.S. Hot Topic is having a big sale day after Christmas. Just a tip.