I decided not to decorate my apartment for Christmas this year. Something about having to haul the decorations down out of my parents' attic - because an old house equals no closet space to store it myself - plus the reality of having to tote it up the many stairs into my apartment made it all seems so exhausting. And so my apartment is as it always is - untidy and decidedly unfestive.
Which may explain, in combination with the uncooperative weather, why I simply seem unable to get into the spirit of the season. I tried unsuccessfully to dream up wonderful gift ideas for family and friends on Saturday, but I drew a blank at every turn. With only so many shopping days left, I've got precious little to put under the tree - about which I seem to be alternately awash with guilt or indifference.
Last night, I went to Wal-Mart. And it was packed, as always. But last night, it was packed with holiday shoppers - mothers who had left the kids at home with dad whose carts were laden with action figures and Barbies; a couple who hustled past me with a little-girl sized pink armchair that read "Princess"; and the family who checked out in front of me with a fake tree and ornaments and two little boys who could hardly wait to get it all home. I bought one little candy-cane striped candle - not really because I was inspired but because I thought maybe the gesture would imbue me with some holiday spirit.
"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" is playing. And as much as I'd like to let my heart be light, it seems heavy. And though my troubles should be far away, they seem near. And, for whatever reason, I'm caught between being the Grinch or Scrooge or just plain lonely. And the candle is burning, but somehow, it seems even more sad - one lowly little decoration swallowed up by the emptiness of the apartment.
Monday, December 04, 2006
In the Holiday Dispirit
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4 cat calls:
How insane that I just wrote a post about how I aggressively decorated my house today to purposefully bring on the Christmas spirit. It seems to be working-- even Mamie's getting into it, by positioning herself as the first present under the tree.
However, I would like to point out that, contrary to popular belief, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is among the most depressing Christmas songs ever written. "Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow..."
I seem to fluctuate between having years where I am so excited about the holidays I could burst, and other years where the holiday spirit just seems elusive and I can't quite catch it like I want to, no matter how hard I try. This is definitely one of the years where I am ridiculously into the Christmas spirit (perhaps because I've decided to bake cookies this year and skip gifts altogether), but I have definitely had Christmas seasons filled with moments like yours, too.
Nothing like a trip to Wal-Mart to disillusion oneself with all of mankind, much less the holiday season... Perhaps the mall will lift your spirits. Okay, that's iffy. I recommend lots of Christmas movies on the channels for women.
okay! one string of lights is not going to kill you! who says it's all or nothing. clearly it's not. clip some tree branches and throw some lights on them.
just do it! you melancholic lass.
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