Harry Potter and the Colossal Disappointment

As Umbridge would say, wands away. If you're headed to see Order of the Phoenix this weekend, there'll be no need for magic. And bring your Spell-O-Tape. You're going to need it tape the story together. Mom jumped the gun today and decided we should take in an opening day matinee.

Undoubtedly the most complex and darkly emotional of the Potter series and at a whopping 870 pages to boot, Order of the Phoenix presented a definite challenge for the men behind the movie. I am sorry to say, but - I must not tell lies - they fell incredibly flat. Perhaps their biggest mistake was turning over screenplay duties to newcomer Michael Goldenberg instead of bringing back veteran Steve Kloves - which was akin to finding Umbridge a worthy replacement for Dumbledore. When you've got a scene with Maggie Smith and Emma Thompson that sounds hollow, there's a problem with the script.

From the film's opening, none of the actors are given any emotional space. Harry's expulsion from Hogwarts cuts to the Order's arrival cuts to Grimauld Place cuts to Sirius' account of Voldemort's activities and so on - and no one's reacting to anything. Sure, Harry gets out a bit of righteous anger here and there, but all in all, the emotion of the movie is packed so tight, it's almost not there. Not even when Mr. Weasley is attacked do we get any real sense of the emotional stakes of the scene.

And when will they learn? The seventh movie? That the people flocking to see this movie are Potter fans - fans of the books written by J.K. Rowling - and that's what they expect to see. The characters from the books in the role they play in the books in the plot laid down in the books. I was amazed to see that Nigel is a member of the D.A. Who is Nigel, you ask? I have no idea! In a fictional world as populated as Rowling's the creation of characters for the movie is utterly ridiculous. And while we're creating Nigel, who's totally useless, Marietta is axed altogether and the betrayal of the D.A. is handed to another character in a way that makes no sense.

Umbridge, as pivotal as she is in the book (and well-played by Imelda Stauton) is given too much screen time, with her role expanded for...dare I say, comic effect? We're repeatedly shown Filch nailing up decree upon decree, and Umbridge twirling her wand to tuck in shirts and tighten ties. Her method of detention is horribly overused in the film until it becomes numbing.

And for those looking for salvation for the book's crucial moments, you'll think that someone's hit them with the reducto jinx. Snape's worst memory? Thirty second, tops. The Weasley's grand exit? Not so grand. The Department of Mysteries? Not as mysterious when you lose the time-turners, the brains, the locked door, and the majority of the battle between the D.A. and the Deatheaters. And Sirius' final moments...I didn't even cry. This from the girl who nearly made herself sick crying after reading the book. Oh, and don't look for the long conversation with Dumbledore in his office - it's been reduced to about five lines.

This scathing review isn't a reflection of the acting. On the contrary, I thought the trio carried their skills forward very well, and Rupert Grint in particular was the delight of this film. (One of the best scenes is between the trio after the Harry/Cho kiss.) And as far as I'm concerned, they could've given more time to Evanna Lynch, whose spot-on portrayal of Luna Lovegood had me wishing they'd used her more. Daniel Radcliffe, whose spotlight job is the hardest, did a better job with his emotional scenes, and I really loved the chemistry between him and Gary Oldman.

But in the end, the movie was incredibly unsatisfying as a movie, much less as a representation of Order of the Phoenix. It's such a disappointment, as long as we've waited and knowing that this will stand as the fifth installment with this cast of actors. I just can't quite figure out how you can get this cast together - Alan Rickman, Ralph Fiennes, Helena Bonham Carter - and mess it up so badly. I'm just confunded.