How much can a person change? Not to get into the whole nature versus nurture debate, but how much about a person is ingrained - is the very code in his or her brain that is essential to identity? A person's nature seems to be made up of a series of reactions and interactions and personal habits that are a constant. It is the proverbial tree in the forest that no one hears falling - it is that state that you are in when you are unaffected by all other things. The default setting, if you will. When circumstances requires a person to override the default setting, does it go that the default setting will come back? How many times does it take before the new setting is the default? Or can it?
I seem to have an ongoing mental tug-of-war going on between whether or not I should expect a person to change a consistent behavior. The kind of behavior that when you mention it to other people usually elicits a response like, "Oh, that's just the way she is." And if that is so, that it's just the way someone is, is that an appropriate excuse for bad behavior? Are we allowed to write off inappropriate behavior by declaring it part of our default setting? For example, I am chronically late - as many of you will attest. Can I be excused from being late when it's inconvenient and inconsiderate to other people because it's just the way I am?
And that's a rather benign example. I'm talking more about day-t0-day relations with people. Ongoing behaviors that gnaw at you, make you feel like you're going to explode if you have to interact with a person in such a manner one more time. And I'm not talking about inherently bad people. I'm talking about people whose normal human flaws just happen to be the kind that manifest in relationships with other people. Flaws of self-absorption and condescension and greed and lack of empathy. In some cases, these are people who think to treat everyone else as they imagine they would want to be treated in the same situation - never taking into account that the people on the receiving end are vastly different. People motivated, inspired, nourished, comforted by completely different things.
Thinking that this ongoing behavior can be modified is feeling like a lost cause these days. In these cases, it seems that human nature has taken root, grown and flourished, and is not to be pruned in any manner. Reasonable requests and subtle hints fall on deaf ears. The default setting returns again and again - and with great pride at times. These behaviors I find abhorrent seem to be a source of pride in some people. And I find myself exhausted by the push and pull, the desire I feel to set things right and the disappointment I feel when I fail.
Perhaps it is time for me to just let go in the tug -of-war and see what happens when we all fall down.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Naughty by Nature?
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6 cat calls:
i think- and maybe this is the way i am- but people need to be called on their shit- as in communicating how certain behaviors make "you"/"i" feel... i think we do people an injustice to sum up our problems with them by saying "that's just the way they are" usually it has little to do with grace and a lot to do with apathy and avoidance especially if what they do, say makes you react or do things differently as a result- like spending less time with them- it's like a nonhealthy dose of denial- and getting to a point where you can communicate truth to someone and when you blink they're still there and so is your relationship- is totally freeing and i think i feel this way bcs i don't want to go around being perceived one way and thinking another- and i want people to tell me what's wrong and not just "stop" emailing me bcs they don't have the courage to tell me.
~sempre fi.
Unfortunately, I think people are the way they are unless they make a conscious effort to be different. And it is the rare person who recognizes their faults and actually does something to change them. Our default settings, whether good or bad (but most commonly a balance of the two), make us who we are. And do we really want to admit that the people we are, are not the people we should be?
I'll never just "stop" emailing you, mendacious!
This is such a tough one. The only thing I do know for sure is that the only person we can control is ourselves... But at least saying your piece is good, right? Bottling things up=bad?
I agree with Mendacious that people can definitely be called out on their shit, and that's a fine and healthy thing to do from time to time. That said, I am also a big believer in taking people for who they are. In my experience, folks don't usually change unless they want to.
And I'll second Pen, too -- that we have control over ourselves, and that's about it. Good times, right?
Mmm. I agree with you all, I think. I guess it's a pick-your-battles situation where you have to weigh whether or not you think you can enact change by calling someone out or whether it's an exercise in futility. And the truth is, Pen is right. We can only control ourselves, so unless someone wants to change, it's effort wasted. Right?
And you make me very curious once again. ;)
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