Now that I've declared my independence, announced my plans to depart, and given my notice at work, I'm a mere month away from being an unemployed waif. I've sent out a couple of resumes, but I admit that my heart hasn't been in it. It's not because I don't want a job or because I don't think that jobs are out there. It's more a sudden inescapable feeling that I am...well, a fraud. I know on some rational level that it would be silly to think I could've kept my job for almost six years without having some skill. But it's one thing to succeed in the known arena, and another thing entirely to go back out into the marketplace to peddle your wares.
Yesterday, I interviewed someone who might replace me. Someone more than 15 years more senior than I am, and I felt a bit foolish asking her to describe her work experience. As if, at 27, I could possibly compete with her body of work, much less question her competence for the position. I actually confessed to her on the phone that I wasn't quite qualified for the position I hold. I just blurted it out before I had time to consider the context and the inappropriateness of telling an interview candidate that I have very little business conducting the interview.
She asked me if I felt like I had a good portfolio as I head out into the world to find another job. And I said yes. Yes, because I am proud of what I've accomplished. And I think that my work is good. But what if what I think doesn't hold water in the outside world? I can make all the pronouncements I want about my pride in my job and how I think it's good...but at this point, it's ultimately someone else's opinion that's going to matter. And I do know enough about this industry to know that it has the potential to be cutthroat and catty and condescending.
7 cat calls:
There's nothing quite like a job search to make you question yourself, but believe me, you have NOTHING to worry about. I'm sure you have a stunning portfolio, and you are so poised and professional that they will see right away what a great candidate you are. Besides, 95% of landing a job is simply whether the interviewer likes you, and you couldn't be more likable!
Thank you for the words of support!
I had a dream this afternoon that I got an email from a firm that wanted to interview me, but I couldn't read the email. I think it's because the dreaming part of your brain is separate from the part of your brain that reads. But I was so frustrated when I woke up!
what is with that though- such an odd feeling for doubt to enter life in this way... blah to it. i say. but life as a fraud may be fun bcs of all the outfits and disguises you can wear.
I seriously think EVERY SINGLE PERSON feels this way about everything-- especially work, but not JUST work. Every time I go somewhere new, I think, "These people are totally going to hate me. I'm going to have no friends and die alone." And every time I'm wrong, but that doesn't make it any less scary. But we're all here rooting for you-- even though you don't need it, you kick-ass PR goddess!
Coming from someone who works under you (not to mention idolizes you) you have no need to worry about getting a job. If I could be half as creative, intelligent, witty, and "together" as you are when you're working, I would be completely satisfied with how I do my job. The way your brain works-the speed in which you can visualize a concept, your word-play, the way you can sell your idea to a client-is incredibly rare. You are irreplaceable. And you will be just as vital where ever you decide to work.
Dude, you'll be awesome. Trust me, I've felt this way about every single job I landed. ("But I can't teach! What if they KNOW I can't teach?!") Then it all works out anyway, and I forget that I ever felt otherwise.
Kim's right, though. I'd liken this feeling to pretty much everything in life, particularly the job search, and also dating.
Susan! You're going to make me cry. You make my job easy! ;)
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