Hooray for Thairapy

Dear Britney:
Now that you've made it to rehab, please stay there until you're better. I'm not sure what took Mama Spears so long to get to you from the bayou. And I'm not sure what exactly the problem is. Symptoms seem to include appearing in public without your th-th-th-thong, striving for the Guiness Book's most chemically damaged hair, and then ridding yourself of said hair all together. You haven't been seen with your boo-boos in quite a while, and frankly, FedEx is looking more like a responsible adult than you these days. That Superbowl commercial he did was actually kind of funny. But I digress.

Obviously, you've found some bad influences, what with taking a leaf out of Lohan's Party Til You Die Guide and allowing Paris Hilton to lead you around with your lady parts hanging out. And I won't even call into evidence those horrible pictures of you with your mouth full of burgers and fries - I'm pretty sure Mama Spears taught you better manners than that.

I know you're maybe pining for J. Timberlake, but I gotta tell you, honey, I'm quite certain that he's sighing with relief rather than sighing with longing. So maybe you should focus on you. Detox. Grow out your locks. Cover up your box. Get back to being a fox. Consider this Dr. Seuss' guide to rehab. Good luck.

XO,
Ash