Go Ahead and Laugh

* On Saturday evening, as we drove down the highway in the cold rain, discussing how hard the holidays were on Anna, my mother withdrew a "finger pistol" from her pocket and fired at each of the lighted angels hung on the streetlamps.

* The Professor is now my friend on Facebook, but his acceptance of my friend request was preceded by an e-mail explaining why his relationship status is set to "In a Relationship" with The Ex.

* I have developed a crush on the FreeCreditReport.com dude.

* The Dirty Film Boys continued their stare tactics until the ladies in our office revolted and created a sign to wear on our backs that said, "I can see you looking at me in the reflection, genius." But The Boss interceded and let the Dirty Film Boys know they were creeping us out - to which they apologized and noted, "They're the best things to look at up here."

* I am seriously disappointed that I missed the Britney documentary and even consulted MTV.com to find out when it will be online.

Missed Opportunities

Because of my poor timing, I have missed the opportunity to be Federline's next baby mama. He's in Wilmywood right now filming episodes of One Tree Hill. Supposedly, he's playing a "cocky rock star." Anyone else who thinks K-Fed's appearance on the show will seal its demise?

Since I have moved away and will be unable to attend, I'll have to count on the ladies I left behind in Wilmywood to bask in his greatness. Pen? Mel? I wonder that he's able to take the gig since he's working so hard in L.A. to prove himself worthy of sole custody of the Federspawn. Of course, Britney's making it easy for him to look good, since the most recent reports I read said that she's fled the country. Oh, K-Fed.

Dear Sweet Blog,

I have been as neglectful of you in the past couple of weeks as Britney on a bender in Vegas is of the poor Federspawn. What, with the pre-release Pottermania and the post-Potter come-down, I've hardly had a Potterless post this month. Then I left town, and, well, I'm back, but not for long. See, on Thursday, I've got a meeting with important people who might be willing to pay me to do work for them (but let's not call it what it is lest we jinx it), and then on Friday, I have to get my hair did - and blonde to boot. You know how I love to tend to my tresses. Saturday looks like it's going to be the family celebration for Anna's birthday. And Sunday...well, Sunday is going to be its own religious experience at the John Mayer concert.

I know, I know. You're tired of my excuses. It's really not about you, you know. It's me. I'm suddenly busy. Like, I almost have a life. But don't you worry. I'll be back soon. And we'll plan for some real quality time. Promise.

Love,
Ash

A Word to the Unwise

Dear LiLo and Brit Brit:
Stop.
What.
You.
Are.
Doing.

Just.

Stop.

xo,
Ash

Cutting Class

This photo appears in the May issue of British GQ. I know he's got no control over the pull quote they choose to put on the page, but the photo itself...is it necessary? Isn't the killer combo of "Cry Me a River" and "What Goes Around Comes Around" and his sell-out world tour while she's in rehab enough of a slap in the face? He's saying he's "so far removed" and yet, putting himself right in the middle of the fray with this photo. Downgrade, JT.

Bringing Spears Back?

Famed producer Timbaland has revealed in a recent interview that he wants to team up with Justin Timberlake to save Britney. He says Timberlake is up for the challenge, and that he would take Spears out of the country to get her back on track. As the Musical Midas, he might have a shot at resurrecting Spears' tattered career. I kind of hope he rides to the rescue. It would make a nice story, and everybody like a happy ending. Even for a girl who goes in gas station bathrooms with no shoes on.

Hooray for Thairapy

Dear Britney:
Now that you've made it to rehab, please stay there until you're better. I'm not sure what took Mama Spears so long to get to you from the bayou. And I'm not sure what exactly the problem is. Symptoms seem to include appearing in public without your th-th-th-thong, striving for the Guiness Book's most chemically damaged hair, and then ridding yourself of said hair all together. You haven't been seen with your boo-boos in quite a while, and frankly, FedEx is looking more like a responsible adult than you these days. That Superbowl commercial he did was actually kind of funny. But I digress.

Obviously, you've found some bad influences, what with taking a leaf out of Lohan's Party Til You Die Guide and allowing Paris Hilton to lead you around with your lady parts hanging out. And I won't even call into evidence those horrible pictures of you with your mouth full of burgers and fries - I'm pretty sure Mama Spears taught you better manners than that.

I know you're maybe pining for J. Timberlake, but I gotta tell you, honey, I'm quite certain that he's sighing with relief rather than sighing with longing. So maybe you should focus on you. Detox. Grow out your locks. Cover up your box. Get back to being a fox. Consider this Dr. Seuss' guide to rehab. Good luck.

XO,
Ash

Fed-eral Matters

Amidst the earnestness of election day, the rallying cry of democracy rising from the monumental political machine, I thought it important that someone post about Britney Spears filing for divorce from that charming, well-dressed model citizen Kevin Federline. You know she breathed a big ol' backwater Southern sigh of relief that her handlers hollered we want pre-nup. And let this be a lesson, ladies. Pink track suits on your bridesmaids is apparently bad luck. (Brilliant Fed Ex photo courtesy of Perez Hilton.)

VMAs - A Recap In Brief

For your reading pleasure, and for those of you who missed it, I'll recap the events of the MTV VMAs in 5 words or less. Spoilers abound below.

Oh, and if you want to catch the action, I'm sure it'll only be on 240 times this weekend while you're trapped in your house with Ernesto.

* Winner for Pathetic Use of the Entourage on the Red Carpet: P Diddy's Silence

* Justin Timberlake's show opening performance: Bringing Sexy back
* Jack Black's opening sequence: Included the word "erection"

* Vanessa Manillo's dress: Tight bunchy busty fugly mermaid

* Vanessa Manillo: Kind of orange
* Blackeyed Peas beating "Golddigger" for Best Hip Hop Video: Fergie's humps ain't that great

* Shakira's performance: We get it. You bellydance.

* Ludacris & Pharrell's performance: Gold lame gone wrong

* Addendum to the Ludacris & Pharrell performance: The Pussycat Dolls are men

* Jessica Simpson: As dumb as ever

* Okay Go: Revolutionizing the treadmill - live


* The guys of Jackass: Still jackasses

* Paris Hilton's attire said: Attacked by angry ballerina

* Pink's acceptance speech: A Fiona Apple Throwback

* John Norris: Apparent victim of Sun-In

* Beyonce's alarming performance of "Ring the Alarm": Ultimate pop-and-lock sequence

* T.I.: Who the heck is T.I.??

* Jared Leto: Not Jordan Catalano anymore


* All-American Rejects: Moving along to the bar

* Jack White: Talented but needs a shower

* Presenter Rhianna's dress: Presenting boobs on a shelf


* Panic! at the Disco: Happening Mad Hatters Hot Performance

* Best New Artist, Avenged Sevenfold: "Thank you, God...whichever one."

* Great cameo by Spederline: Oops, I Lost Sean P.


* Kanye West's Video Vanguard Award: The word is "STY-le", not "stal"

* Video Vanguard Presentation: Ernesto is in the house!

* Sarah Silverman's Paris-Hilton-is-fat speech: BRILLIANT

* Christina Aguilera: Plastic hair, hot red dress

* Best Rock Video goes to AFI: And beats "Dani California"???

* Jackass boys, Part II: Always shirtless or naked

* Viewer's Choice Fallout Boy: Yes, he's wearing a cape

* Me at 11:06: I was promised The Killers!!


* Al Gore: Rockin' the Clinton tactic

* Jennifer Lopez: Braless, ta-tas bouncing

* Panic! at the Disco, Video of the Year: Men without hats, strange hair

* Axl Rose's corn rows: Sweet fancy Moses

* The Killers: Hurrah! Finally!


Noteworthy and more than 5 words:
* Justin Timberlake to Jack Black: "Look, Jack. I've maximixed your storage space and added little hook for your keys."

* Al Gore: "I wasn't going to be here tonight, but then MTV explained to me that Justin Timberlake is bringing sexy back. So."

* Justin on Jennifer Lopez: "Why's she wearing a skull cap? That's what I want to know."

* Jack Black on "Six", the mic interceptor when video of the year was announced: "Ooh, I think Six is the new Soy-Bomb!"

Biggest upsets? Madonna & Red Hot Chili Peppers - shut out! Christina Aguilera - shut out! Kanye West - shut out! Times I felt old and out of touch? At least once every fifteen minutes. Longest. Post. Ever. Thanks for tuning in. Look out, Suchin Pak. I'll have your job next year.