Rusty

Tonight, I logged in to the Jungle for the first time in ages. I suppose I've checked into the dashboard a couple of times over the last two-and-a-half months, but, to be honest, I haven't really had words. I haven't had words or time or both, or maybe the chemistry to grease the wheels between thoughts and expression. For whatever reason, I took an unintended hiatus.

At times, this accidental absence has felt like a release from responsibility. But at this point, the silence is deafening. The words are clogging my synapses; it's difficult to even know what to say.

My first impulse was to try and write everything...try to somehow recapture the lost time. Instead, I'm going to oil up the brainwaves and just let it all tumble out. And if there's something you want to know more about - if any of you are still out there - I'll be happy to expound upon it. So here's a little of what you've missed...and by the way, it's good to be back.

* Third blogiversary
* Winning lottery ticket - $35
* Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince
* The death of Michael Jackson
* 30
* New-found affinity for goat cheese
* Monet's water lilies * Birthday shoes
* Dillon's 2 1/2 birthday party
* House hunt with renewed vigor
* Big new account at work
* Trip to Ohio and reunion with the one and only Kim Shable
* Nearing 8 months with The Barrister
* Introduction to Beach Ball Rodeo
* Client placement in an in-flight magazine (the ungetable get)
* Reese sitting up
* A terrible tragedy
* The rise of tweeting
* Frequent travel to the Big City office
* New tripod
* A month of physical therapy for my continued back problems
* Blackberry cobbler
* Weight gain
* Death Cab for Cutie concert
* Death of the Hard Drive
* Tommy's 30th birthday party
* Growing volunteer group
* Seeing Penelope & Andi
* Meeting The Ice Cream Man
* Discovery of The Furminator
* Received a hand-painted lizard from the Dilly Monster
* Laughed, loudly, as always
* Made mistakes, as always
* Lived

Jumping the Gun

jump the gun (idiom) - to begin prematurely; act too hastily

@ Blockbuster - Selected Feast of Love based on the co-starring power of Greg Kinnear and Morgan Freeman and assumed from the description that it was a Love Actually-esque film with multiple story lines - or as the box suggested, "A romantic feast for anyone who loves love." We decided to watch this film while enjoying delectable birthday treats like ice cream cones and brownies. Within the first fifteen minutes, there was a naked-to-the-waist lesbian sex scene. Um. Did I mention I was watching with my parents?

@ Work - After lamenting the neglectful behavior of my co-workers last Thursday, I had to consume an enormous slice of humble pie today. They marched in at 4 p.m. to The Beatles "Birthday" with an ice cream cake and a gift of Notable Author Finger Puppets. We enjoyed said ice cream cake while the Rockstar's birthday mix played on in the background. (It included Lil' Wayne and Kansas.) I felt incredible remiss in having been so irrationally upset.

@ the Mental Level - Right now, I'm deep breathing through what I'm hoping is indigestion. I've been hoping that I've had indigestion a lot lately. I just chewed up a Pecid AC...and the taste took me back to the place my brain seems to be wanting to go. Like a little this-time-last-year party trick. With the shrink and the doctor and the medication - let's face it: I thought I was done with all this. Perhaps it's just an allergic reaction to getting old.

Coupons

As some of you may know, Anna clips coupons. Like clockwork on Sunday afternoon, she would clip scads of coupons from the AJC. And from time to time, she would mail them to me. Fat envelopes stuffed with buy-one-get-one frees and $1 off Tidy Cat and Swiss Miss hot chocolate - all tucked inside some humorous card or a note that said, "Thinking of you." Sometimes I would use the coupons, and sometimes they expired in the mail pile because I am a thousand times less organized than she is. But she knows what kind of shampoo, contact solution and toothpaste I use - and she'd send me the coupons accordingly.

Last weekend, amid all the chaos of getting documents in order for the probate and this and that, she sat quietly on the couch for half an hour and carefully trimmed out the week's coupons. Justin and Eva were awarded all coupons pertaining to baby supplies. And Mom was given those for coffee and asundry items that we use and she doesn't. After awhile, she murmured, "This is like therapy." And when I needed the IcyHot Patches, she said, "I have a coupon for that!"

Tonight we pulled in the driveway around 9 o'clock. I feel like I haven't had a weekend. The kitchen table is covered with piles of opened mail, sorted and read and tossed into a great heap of condolences and bills. There's dirty laundry spilling out of the hampers; I need to change the sheets on my bed, long overdue for a fresh set. Dad walked through the house looking at the mess and mayhem in every corner and said, "Let's just burn the house down and start over."

He sat at the computer, reading the financial news, and Mom opened the weekend's newspapers. I looked at the stack of inserts she set aside from the middle of the Sunday paper. I went and got the scissors. I started clipping, neatly trimming the sides until I had a stack of coupons. "What are you doing?" Dad asked. "She rubbing off on you?"

"Sort of," I said. "I'm going to write her a card, send them to her." Because I can't do anything to make it better. Because I can't fix it. I'm just going to give her coupons for Advil PM and Nestles Treasures chocolate candy.

A Conversation on Shoes

I wore these shoes today. My new black patent leather Mary Janes of which I am much enamored. The Goofball came into my office to ask me a question whilst I was sitting with on leg tucked under me, the bottom of my left shoe facing out.

The Goofball: "Those are new shoes. Very few scuff marks on the bottom. Did you get those for Christmas?"

Me: "Indeed I did. This is the first time I've worn them."

The Goofball: "Are they comfortable?"

Me: "Gosh no. They're actually pinching my toes a bit."

The Goofball: "Let me see. Is it because they're pointed toe? Or are they peep toes?" I wordlessly held out my foot for inspection. "Ah," he says. "Round toes. You're just going to have to stretch those out."

He leaves my office, and for a second, I try to think of any other straight man I know who might know these terms...no...there are none. And just for the record, I should not have tried to stretch the toes out by walking ten blocks to the post office and back.

Absurdly Pleased With...

* What I wore today - very simply, new jeans, a navy sweater with a button-up underneath and my new quilted vest and cowboy boots

* Almost being done with a good book and knowing I have another waiting upstairs

* A new episode of Women's Murder Club tonight

* New organic cotton bathrobe

* Kim's admission last night that her career aspirations as a child were to solve mysteries with Lavar Burton

* The size and shape of me...no more, no less

* Cherries

Merry Christmas!

It's Christmas Eve, and I hope wherever each of you is gathered with friends or family, that the holidays are merry and bright. For your Yuletide enjoyment, here are some photos I snapped of Dillon 'round the Christmas tree. And even though it's just me and Mom and Dad here this evening, we continued our age-old tradition of opening one gift on Christmas Eve. Since I got a Canon Eos Rebel XTi 10 Megapixel digital camera, you can expect to see a whole lot more of this sort of thing.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

In the Spirit of Half Full

In light of my overly-cynical post from yesterday, I've decided to muster the spirit of the season and fill up my glass to at least half full by listing good things and good thoughts.

* I sang the theme song to Jem with support from The Violinist at the very subdued Christmas party this afternoon. It was truly, truly, truly outrageous. Also, we have a huge inflatable Santa with reindeer in the lobby because our boss felt it needed to look festive.

* Sydney White comes out on DVD on January 22 (I heart Amanda Bynes), followed closely by the breathtakingly wonderful Becoming Jane on February 12. And totally dorky confession: I'm pumped about National Treasure 2: The Book of Secrets on December 21.

* Every night, my mom's slightly stupid cat Ranger gets into the antique rocking chair and curls his body around just so he fits on the round cushion. And then he snores. And it's charming.

* Today, I called STGD and said, "I totally effed up at work! I need some emotional spooning!" And just hearing him laugh made me feel better.

* Eating peppermint bark until I wanted to barf...in a good way.

* My hair is getting long.

* If I make it through work tomorrow and the Week of the Colossal First Mishap, I'm going to treat myself by opening my Christmas gift from Pen.

* Project Runway. In general. Is delightful.

* Tomorrow is Friday.

Celebrate Good Times

Despite the fact that I'm a tad grouchy about turning 28, the 72-hour birthday extravaganza surrounding the event were enough to wash away the blues. These included

* Arrival of owl post bearing gifts from afar

* Shoe shopping at DSW's 80 percent off summer clearance sale with Mom, Anna, Eva & Dillon. The prevalence of the 80 percent off stickers nearly caused my circuits to overload.

* A card from my sister that wished me clearance shoes in my size. In the end, I walked away with three pairs.

* Funny e-cards and well-wishing emails and lovely comments on the blog

* Greek salad with grilled shrimp

* Sushi at Utage and milkshakes from The Grill (courtesy of Eva & Justin)

* Blueberry pancakes made by Chef Justin

* A card from Justin with a poem about farting (I love my brother)

* A gift certificate from Mom for a massage

* Dillon's first bath in the sink in which he determined that splashing is fun

* Sunday dinner at Blue Willow Inn, which I'm not sure those of you not from The South can truly appreciate. But it's sweet tea, fried chicken, collard greens and sweet potato casserole that will knock your socks off finished with chess pie. Mmmm.

* A new teacup for my collection

* A card from my parents that made me cry

Here's hoping for many happy returns.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

When my sister, the eldest of the three of us, was just six weeks old, my mother's mother was killed in a tragic accident. As a child, I knew her only from the picture in my grandparents' house of her standing behind her father as he held my sister. Over the years, my mother and I have talked about her a lot - how she made excellent cakes and loved shoes and had the kind of hair everyone envied and was just five feet tall but full of spunk. And still I do not know her, but I think of her often and love her in my own way, as an equal an opposite reaction to my grief over her absence.

This summer my mother and sister helped clean out some things from my aunt's house and stumbled upon a bag of old eight millimeter film reels from their childhood. My sister took them to have them transferred to DVD. Emptying the bag at home, she also found a lone cassette tape marked as "Elsie's Voice" which she had transferred to CD.

Tonight she presented my mother and her sister with the CD transfers, still simply marked "Elsie's Voice." Both were overcome, and I was suddenly overcome, too, at the magnitude of the gift - the chance to hear their mother's voice again after it being lost for so many years. Sometimes, we have the strange opportunity to see our parents as ourselves. See them as the children of their parents as we are the children of them. In one heartbreaking moment, I saw her crying as I would cry myself, to get a gift so great as the sound of my mother's voice after the passing of time had made it a mere whisper.