I don't know if you've noticed, but so far, my 2008 hasn't been that stellar. So one could understand why I am so very excited to be traveling to San Francisco this weekend with two very dear and wonderful friends. And one could also conceive why I am not amused about what just happened to me while talking on the phone to Kim Shable. I would be referring to the sudden appearance of gigantic itchy red welts on my chin and cheek. The ones that - upon closer examination - ran across my forehead and up to my hairline and then trailed down my neck to my chest and back.
I have taken a shower. Scrubbed twice. Downed two antihistamines and slathered myself in a Benadryl cream. And you know what? Now my lip is swelling.
I'm sure that if I dug down deep, I could find some dark humor in this. Some irony. Some glib line about Murphy's Law. But let me tell you something, Universe. I am tired. I am not interested in digging deep and ferreting out a comfortless cliche. I am going to San Francisco. And I will not stand for looking like a freak. And if I have to walk around with a giant epi pin sticking out of my leg, so be it. But, really, it would be easier if you would simply concede and return my face and body back to normal, reduce the size of my lower lip and not approach constricting my airways.
Thank you so much. You're charming. Really.
xoxo,
Spotty Ash
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Dear Universe:
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4 cat calls:
That was the weirdest end to a phone call EVER. And I've had some people make up some pretty shady reasons to get off the phone with me.
I hope it goes away SOON! It still has a few days to work its way through your system, leaving you spot-free and sasstastic for your big vacay!
Oh, dear! The universe is not being very nice to you. I'm afraid it's not being very nice to me, either. . . I've developed a sore throat and a pain inside my ear. I'm chalking it up to the pollen in the air and refusing to believe that I might actually the "s-ck" word.
Too bad you're not going to Hollywood instead, you'd be a superstar with swollen lips, everyone would think you found some super-awesome doctor for collagen injections.
The Universe can be so cruel. The moment I showed up in Chicago, my eyes swelled shut. I never found out what it was from, and it never happened to me again. But it took a few days to go away completely. My mom said it was from crack dust on the taxi cab seats.
The Universe heard my plea! The next morning, I woke up totally restored to my normal self. I have NO IDEA what happened, but I assume I picked up some sort of pollen or something else outside that I was allergic to but didn't know it until I blew up like a pufferfish. Thank goodness for small favors. :)
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