Mayer's Manners

Wow. John Mayer's latest blog entry. I kind of...does this...sort of make John Mayer a little bit of a stand up guy? I'm just asking...and p.s., I totally sent a tip to Perez Hilton.

DON'T EX WITH TEXAS

Dear Dallas and Surrounding Areas,

This isn't a sports blog, and it isn't a publicity stunt. (but have at me if it feels right.)

This is about doing what I think is right as a person, in this case speaking my mind.

I have never known anyone to have more pride in their home state and their upbringing in it than Jessica Simpson has in Texas. I don't really follow sports, but I have played some of my biggest and best concerts in your state, and having witnessed how dynamic the spirit there is, I'm betting emotions are running high right about now.

All witty barbs, blogs, and fashion policing aside, that girl loves Texas more than you know. It's one of her most defining traits as a person. So please don't try and take that away from her. (You probably wouldn't be able to, but it's less work for all involved.)

I just thought it would mean something coming from the guy who has the absolute least to gain from this. And if I'm out of line in having written it, too bad. I can spare a Wednesday's worth of bad press if it means sticking up for a good soul.

JM

DUMPED!

I can't help myself. This from Perez Hilton kind of makes me laugh. Sorry, Jess.

Dear John Letter (Part 2)

Dear John,
I know we've had our ups and downs in the past few months. First there was your sudden metamorphosis into Marc Anthony's double. And then you started dating Jessica Simpson. I'm still not quite over that. Just ask the folks at work - it is not an approved topic for lunch conversation. But in the end, I guess if you're happy, that's good. Just please, please, for the love of music, do not record a duet with her.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, Sunday, August 5, Philips Arena, Atlanta, GA...I'll be there. I'll be in the back, screaming my head off, acting like I'm 15 instead of almost twice that. And I'll still love you, John. Just one request - "Stop This Train", will ya? Thanks so much.

XO,
Ash

Ouchie

I confess. This hurts me. How am I going to feel when the next album comes out and there's some syrupy love song that I know is about Jessica Simpson? It's bad enough that "Your Body is a Wonderland" was written about Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Don't Go Breakin' My Heart!

I go out of town for a week - one week! - and stop reading the celebrity gossip sites while I'm getting a little r-and-r, only to come back and find that Perez spent New Year's Eve with John Mayer and...Jessica Simpson? Quelle horreur! I can't believe it! I have staunchly defended his honor, assured people that the previous rumors of their togetherness were all hype generated by her camp. And now I have been betrayed. What is he thinking? I mean, I know she's not as dumb as she pretends to be, but she's still no Einstein. And I know you could say, "Well, look at her" but somehow her stupidity (pretend or real) totally diminishes her attractiveness to me. But who am I to say? I just can't believe that John Mayer - my beloved John Mayer - is dating a breathy-singing witless wonder who peddles hair extensions and edible makeup. This will put a temporary kabash on my love of Continuum.

Defining Unfair

Apparently, I missed one aspect of Thursday night's VMAs. And that was that Jessica Simpson won a brand new $50,000 Chrysler Crossfire. It's not enough that celebrities earn a ridiculous amount of money for what they do - which sometimes isn't much. But companies have to give them free stuff, swag if you will. The gifts are subject to taxes, but celebrities often don't report their visits to the "gift suites." This year, the IRS sent tax forms to be placed in the gift suites at the Emmy Awards to be filled out at the awards show. This may be the only time I ever say this in my life: Cheers to the IRS!

Tax or no tax, swag is just a reminder that the more you've got, the more you get. And sadly, my new car was not swag. I just received a kindly letter from the bank announcing my first payment.

VMAs - A Recap In Brief

For your reading pleasure, and for those of you who missed it, I'll recap the events of the MTV VMAs in 5 words or less. Spoilers abound below.

Oh, and if you want to catch the action, I'm sure it'll only be on 240 times this weekend while you're trapped in your house with Ernesto.

* Winner for Pathetic Use of the Entourage on the Red Carpet: P Diddy's Silence

* Justin Timberlake's show opening performance: Bringing Sexy back
* Jack Black's opening sequence: Included the word "erection"

* Vanessa Manillo's dress: Tight bunchy busty fugly mermaid

* Vanessa Manillo: Kind of orange
* Blackeyed Peas beating "Golddigger" for Best Hip Hop Video: Fergie's humps ain't that great

* Shakira's performance: We get it. You bellydance.

* Ludacris & Pharrell's performance: Gold lame gone wrong

* Addendum to the Ludacris & Pharrell performance: The Pussycat Dolls are men

* Jessica Simpson: As dumb as ever

* Okay Go: Revolutionizing the treadmill - live


* The guys of Jackass: Still jackasses

* Paris Hilton's attire said: Attacked by angry ballerina

* Pink's acceptance speech: A Fiona Apple Throwback

* John Norris: Apparent victim of Sun-In

* Beyonce's alarming performance of "Ring the Alarm": Ultimate pop-and-lock sequence

* T.I.: Who the heck is T.I.??

* Jared Leto: Not Jordan Catalano anymore


* All-American Rejects: Moving along to the bar

* Jack White: Talented but needs a shower

* Presenter Rhianna's dress: Presenting boobs on a shelf


* Panic! at the Disco: Happening Mad Hatters Hot Performance

* Best New Artist, Avenged Sevenfold: "Thank you, God...whichever one."

* Great cameo by Spederline: Oops, I Lost Sean P.


* Kanye West's Video Vanguard Award: The word is "STY-le", not "stal"

* Video Vanguard Presentation: Ernesto is in the house!

* Sarah Silverman's Paris-Hilton-is-fat speech: BRILLIANT

* Christina Aguilera: Plastic hair, hot red dress

* Best Rock Video goes to AFI: And beats "Dani California"???

* Jackass boys, Part II: Always shirtless or naked

* Viewer's Choice Fallout Boy: Yes, he's wearing a cape

* Me at 11:06: I was promised The Killers!!


* Al Gore: Rockin' the Clinton tactic

* Jennifer Lopez: Braless, ta-tas bouncing

* Panic! at the Disco, Video of the Year: Men without hats, strange hair

* Axl Rose's corn rows: Sweet fancy Moses

* The Killers: Hurrah! Finally!


Noteworthy and more than 5 words:
* Justin Timberlake to Jack Black: "Look, Jack. I've maximixed your storage space and added little hook for your keys."

* Al Gore: "I wasn't going to be here tonight, but then MTV explained to me that Justin Timberlake is bringing sexy back. So."

* Justin on Jennifer Lopez: "Why's she wearing a skull cap? That's what I want to know."

* Jack Black on "Six", the mic interceptor when video of the year was announced: "Ooh, I think Six is the new Soy-Bomb!"

Biggest upsets? Madonna & Red Hot Chili Peppers - shut out! Christina Aguilera - shut out! Kanye West - shut out! Times I felt old and out of touch? At least once every fifteen minutes. Longest. Post. Ever. Thanks for tuning in. Look out, Suchin Pak. I'll have your job next year.

Make It Longer

My mother is a very accomplished seamstress. She made me dresses when I was a little girl, and she does all my tailoring now. Because I have short stubby legs, she often hems pants for me. She'll sit in the floor with her pink hat-shaped pin cushion and turn up the cuffs. And I stand back from the mirror and try determine if it's the length I want. When I decide, she says, "Are you sure? Cause I can always make it shorter, but I can't make it longer."

In my ecstasy over being reunited with Crazy J. on Thursday, I allowed him to lop off a significant amount of my hair. And it looked fabulous as promised when he styled it for me. But in the shower the last couple of days, I find myself looking for the mass of inches of hair swept into the trashcan. I wonder if I got carried away. Is there any way to make it longer? Without consulting Ken Paves for Jessica Simpson extensions?