Today's Cover Letter

To Whom It May Concern:
I am looking for a job, and, while you are a place that could hire me, you may or may not have a job opening. If you do, it probably requires some skill or level of experience that I do not possess. For example, I am unable to properly draw or illustrate anything. For confirmation, please consult my reference, STGD. If you don't have an opening, you are probably annoyed that you received an email from someone you don't know who's looking for a job you don't have when you have other more important things to do. It's okay. I understand. I used to be a very busy and important person. Now, my only job is to feed the cats each night. I am very handy with the pop-tops on Fancy Feast catfood. For confirmation, please consult my reference, Kudzu.

If you are at all considering me, despite my lack of skill and your lack of openings, you should know that my confidence in the skills I actually have is plummeting at an alarming rate. Perhaps this indicates why today, I gave up in the midst of writing a more traditional cover letter and left my dutiful post at the computer to deliver my sister-in-law's vaccum cleaner to the repair shop. (A task I completed most satisfactorily, by the way, so perhaps if you have an errand-girl type position, I could handle it. For confirmation, please consult my vaccum-breaking sister-in-law.)

Are you still reading? Well, let me just cut to the chase. At this point, I feel like we're on a bad date. I don't know if you want me to be funny or straightforward. Do you find me charming? Do you hate me before you've even met me? Just tell me what you want, because all this confusion? There are men for that. The silence following the delivery of this cover letter is likely to be almost deafening (if the others are any indication). All the same, for formality's sake, please find attached my resume listing out all my education (I can read) and my work experience (See? Someone else hired me).

If you would like to talk to me further, just call. Because I'll be here. I don't have anything else to do. Except take out the trash - you know, a girl's got to earn her keep.

Sincerely,
Ashley