Sunday, March 16, 2008

Running on Empty

I've been operating under the misconception that grief gets better day by day, inch by inch. The truth is, it's three steps forward and two steps back. Or maybe it's that everything is forward, it's just that some of the forward motion still hurts like it's fresh all over again.

With unexpected death comes unexpected emotions. I've been withdrawn. I don't know what to say or do. I've clung to solitude and the shelter of family. Because when I'm alone or when I'm with them, I'm with someone who feels what I feel.

I feel guilty that I'm being neglectful of friends. I know everyone's life is still going on and that good and bad things continue to happen. And besides that guilt, there is the guilt that I'm a little bit frustrated that my own life isn't going on. Everything is focused on getting through this time, which means we're supporting Anna, which I want to do. But this weekend was the first in over a month that I've been at home, and I resent a little bit (it's so hard to say aloud) that I was just starting to think about getting out there and getting a life and now life is different.

I'm fighting it all, too. I'm fighting the solitude. I'm fighting against myself to seek other people out and talk to them. I'm fighting the guilt. I'm fighting these feelings of frustration that seem so selfish and wrong. I'm fighting and fighting until there's no fight left.

And that's where I was when I got to Thursday - having tossed and turned through another restless night, having fought through the feelings all week. And I crashed. I just crashed. I almost didn't make it through work.

That's when I realized that I can't run like this for weeks at a time. Because day by day, inch by inch, it will get better. But the road is so long, that it's going to be many, many weeks before we get down it. I can't run on empty for all that time. So whether it's two steps back, whether it's selfish, I've got to take some time to focus on myself or else I'm just going to have a complete breakdown and be stranded along this long road, no good to anyone.

5 cat calls:

Niki said...

There is absolutely no selfishness in taking some time for yourself. You said it best - if you don't take time to rejuvenate, you are no good to anyone. You are entitled to take care of Ashley, so please, please do, and don't feel guilty about it one bit.

jenn said...

I second that wholeheartedly. Just do what you need to do.

penelope said...

Word. You absolutely need to take time for yourself. We all need to remember that, sometimes. I third niki's comments.

p.s. my word verif is "omywwrrd." isn't that weird?

ashley said...

Thanks, ladies. I guess it's just that sometimes, it feels so wrong to worry about me. And I totally feel guilty when Mom or Dad seems concerned about me. It's one thing for me to worry about myself, but when others who should be focused on Anna worry about me, then I feel like I'm distracting from the one who needs it the most.

Andria said...

One of the best pieces of advice my mom gave me after Wyatt was born was to get my rest and to take care of myself because it makes me better able to care for others. Our coping skills are severely strained when we are worn out and emotionally drained. So, by all means, refuel and please fill up without the guilt additives.

Also, in some ways, I bet Anna might breathe easier for a moment to have the focus distracted from her for a split second. It can be that much more exhausting to be constantly under surveillance or feel like everyone is walking around on egg shells worried about you - even when you understand that they "should." The abnormality can make her focus on things more than what's trying to be avoided. Does that make any sense? Hope I'm not overstepping or being too presumptuous here, I was just trying to say not to worry about your parents worrying about you making their worry for Anna any less. That's what parents do and they have spent years maintaining that balance and shifting as needed.