Sometimes you just can't anymore. Can't act brave. Can't give them the stiff upper lip. Chin up, smile on. When they ask if you're worried, sometimes you can't find that place inside yourself that makes, "No, no, not at all" sound natural. And when they ask you the questions you don't know the answer to, it gets hard to say, "I don't know" onemoretime.
Sometimes you just don't believe your friends when they tell you how great you are. Or if you can really hang your hat on how infinitely talented you are in your parents' eyes. Sometimes you really don't know if you're going to be fine. You don't want to get past this, because you know after this, there is something else and something else. (At the same time, you know that it could be worse, but, another voice says, "This ain't so great either.")
And all those things that everyone says are out there? Isn't it possible that they don't exist? Sometimes, you have to wonder if this or that is out there. And if they aren't, what then? If you live in anticipation of fulfillment by what's out there, and it never comes, how do you reconcile?
On top of that, there's what's behind you. All that you gave up to be here that sometimes gets ignored. At times, when people ask you about that place, those people and events, you are reminded that no one really knows you. And you feel the sudden disconnect between then and now and you wish (maybe) that you hadn't done this to yourself.
And sometimes, there's the quiet to contend with, the solitude, the oneness. Sometimes you can't believe one more person is asking you when you're going to buy a house, get married, have a baby, write a book...become something else other than what you are. And sometimes, you think that it's just going to take one more time to put you over the edge. Just one more time and you aren't going to be able to say with a sweet, sweet smile, "In good time...when the time comes"...when, if, then, etc. etc. The time is going to come when it all gets to be more than you can bear and then...then it's going to get ugly. Because you can't be take-it-as-it-comes every second of your life. For every day that you get up and get brave and get through it, there's a day or maybe just an hour that you think, "I'm going to punch somebody in the face."
Friday, August 24, 2007
Sister Mary Sunshine Gets Sucker Punched
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6 cat calls:
It IS hard to be take-things-as-they-come all the time. Some people seem to be born that way, and I'm jealous. I'll never be so consistently zen.
I hate the idea of continual questions regarding when/if you'll become something other than you are. I mean, like it's not hard enough on a daily basis to feel confident and good about oneself. Plus, it's pretty rude, even though on the surface these questions are considered "polite conversation." It's like you're being quizzed on your life and asked constantly to defend your choices--how is this innocuous?
It makes me realize that I am least comfortable around those that you can ONLY have small talk with. It's inevitable when you first meet someone, I suppose, particularly in a professional circumstance, but those relationships that never progress past small talk to more fun and interesting conversation about everything and nothing... I can just do without.
And where did you find that picture?? It's kind of fabulous.
I am getting better at taking things as they come, trying to trust that things will work out, etc., but it is still extremely difficult for me. There may be some people who just roll with it, but I think most of us have a hard time trusting that things will work out when there are so many unknowns in life.
And all of the marriage/baby/house/book questions. . . ugh. I have to echo penelope in saying that I don't understand how these questions came to be polite conversation. I think I've figured out that these questions, to some degree, are never going to end. Even if you're married and settled in your career, people still want to know when you're buying a house and having babies. Once you have babies, there will be all sorts of expectations about how your child should grow up, what they should be doing next, etc. I'm sure my parents are even tired of hearing, "When are you going to retire?" We seem to be so obsessed with the next expectation and the next step, and all it seems to do is make us all more stressed (like we don't have enough stress already).
Yeah, like why can't we enjoy the moment we're in, rather than always rooting for the next step. It's so much pressure. What's next, are people going to start asking older folks, "So, when you going to die?"
Right now, it's especially about the need to be nice about everything. To try really hard not to give voice to the bad - like what if I do spend the next six to ten years alone? Or the rest of my life? Can I just say that without everyone's insistence that only good things lie ahead. Because, if we're all honest, we can admit that good things don't always happen to "good" people. And happily ever after isn't a guarantee.
: )
in LA land people wouldn't dare to ask you such things until you were at least 36. so just think in another place, you've got all the time in the world.
though i sort of think a kickboxing class would be cool too.
The questions are never-ending no matter what stage in life you are. It's never enough. Good point, Pen, I do wonder why we find the tact not to ask people when they are going to hurry up and die. Why can't the rest of the questions be filed away in the same absurd box as that one? I understand your frustration of being offended or assulted by the question and yet, still having to remain polite and sweet and keep taking it! I say, no more, be as abrasive as the person asking and just let 'em have it! Unless it's your boss. Or family. Or close friends. Well, maybe it's not worth rocking the boat afterall, just come vent here to us.
So, I'm guessing you're slightly relieved NOT to be attending the reunion where I'm sure it will be constant questions about where you are in your life along with judgement on your answer. yeah. fun times.
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