One Little Blackbird

Stumbling through the past couple of weeks of work, travel and holiday, I've gotten to that place where life is simply too crowded. Too crowded with commitments, demands, appointments. Too crowded with people and places and working hard to keep up appearances. Too crowded with smiles I don't really feel and thoughts that bounce around my brain and never settle. Too crowded to sleep. So crowded that there hardly seems room for me anymore.

Dad's company is having its holiday party in Atlanta this weekend, and so he and Mom are heading up to Anna's on Saturday morning and will attend the party from there. This is the first time that I've had the feeling that I could not go. I could stay. I could give myself a break. I could experience complete and utter silence.

And inside, a war between could and should started raging. Anna's having a hard time, and I feel like I should go be with her. I should be there for her...not to fix it, but just to try my best to absorb some of her misery (as though it could ease her burden).

But instead, I'm going to let could defeat should this time around. Because I realized that my could was actually connected to a should -I should pay attention to what I need. In the interest of self-preservation and in light of what the next few weeks will bring, I must stop. I must take time to be just one. Just me. To take a deep breathe and reach around all of the thoughts, gather them up and push them into a corner of my mind and fill the empty space with sweet, sweet silence.