Defining Unfair

Apparently, I missed one aspect of Thursday night's VMAs. And that was that Jessica Simpson won a brand new $50,000 Chrysler Crossfire. It's not enough that celebrities earn a ridiculous amount of money for what they do - which sometimes isn't much. But companies have to give them free stuff, swag if you will. The gifts are subject to taxes, but celebrities often don't report their visits to the "gift suites." This year, the IRS sent tax forms to be placed in the gift suites at the Emmy Awards to be filled out at the awards show. This may be the only time I ever say this in my life: Cheers to the IRS!

Tax or no tax, swag is just a reminder that the more you've got, the more you get. And sadly, my new car was not swag. I just received a kindly letter from the bank announcing my first payment.

VMAs - A Recap In Brief

For your reading pleasure, and for those of you who missed it, I'll recap the events of the MTV VMAs in 5 words or less. Spoilers abound below.

Oh, and if you want to catch the action, I'm sure it'll only be on 240 times this weekend while you're trapped in your house with Ernesto.

* Winner for Pathetic Use of the Entourage on the Red Carpet: P Diddy's Silence

* Justin Timberlake's show opening performance: Bringing Sexy back
* Jack Black's opening sequence: Included the word "erection"

* Vanessa Manillo's dress: Tight bunchy busty fugly mermaid

* Vanessa Manillo: Kind of orange
* Blackeyed Peas beating "Golddigger" for Best Hip Hop Video: Fergie's humps ain't that great

* Shakira's performance: We get it. You bellydance.

* Ludacris & Pharrell's performance: Gold lame gone wrong

* Addendum to the Ludacris & Pharrell performance: The Pussycat Dolls are men

* Jessica Simpson: As dumb as ever

* Okay Go: Revolutionizing the treadmill - live


* The guys of Jackass: Still jackasses

* Paris Hilton's attire said: Attacked by angry ballerina

* Pink's acceptance speech: A Fiona Apple Throwback

* John Norris: Apparent victim of Sun-In

* Beyonce's alarming performance of "Ring the Alarm": Ultimate pop-and-lock sequence

* T.I.: Who the heck is T.I.??

* Jared Leto: Not Jordan Catalano anymore


* All-American Rejects: Moving along to the bar

* Jack White: Talented but needs a shower

* Presenter Rhianna's dress: Presenting boobs on a shelf


* Panic! at the Disco: Happening Mad Hatters Hot Performance

* Best New Artist, Avenged Sevenfold: "Thank you, God...whichever one."

* Great cameo by Spederline: Oops, I Lost Sean P.


* Kanye West's Video Vanguard Award: The word is "STY-le", not "stal"

* Video Vanguard Presentation: Ernesto is in the house!

* Sarah Silverman's Paris-Hilton-is-fat speech: BRILLIANT

* Christina Aguilera: Plastic hair, hot red dress

* Best Rock Video goes to AFI: And beats "Dani California"???

* Jackass boys, Part II: Always shirtless or naked

* Viewer's Choice Fallout Boy: Yes, he's wearing a cape

* Me at 11:06: I was promised The Killers!!


* Al Gore: Rockin' the Clinton tactic

* Jennifer Lopez: Braless, ta-tas bouncing

* Panic! at the Disco, Video of the Year: Men without hats, strange hair

* Axl Rose's corn rows: Sweet fancy Moses

* The Killers: Hurrah! Finally!


Noteworthy and more than 5 words:
* Justin Timberlake to Jack Black: "Look, Jack. I've maximixed your storage space and added little hook for your keys."

* Al Gore: "I wasn't going to be here tonight, but then MTV explained to me that Justin Timberlake is bringing sexy back. So."

* Justin on Jennifer Lopez: "Why's she wearing a skull cap? That's what I want to know."

* Jack Black on "Six", the mic interceptor when video of the year was announced: "Ooh, I think Six is the new Soy-Bomb!"

Biggest upsets? Madonna & Red Hot Chili Peppers - shut out! Christina Aguilera - shut out! Kanye West - shut out! Times I felt old and out of touch? At least once every fifteen minutes. Longest. Post. Ever. Thanks for tuning in. Look out, Suchin Pak. I'll have your job next year.

P.S.

This was not what I had in mind, Ernesto. We are no longer friends.

Vote For Sprout!

Time is running out! On Tuesday, the sex of Sprout will be revealed. Incidentally, my brother Justin will be finding out on his 30th birthday whether he's getting a son or a daughter. I'm not really pulling for one or the other -- I'm just looking forward to spoiling the little rugrat rotten!

The voting is now open: boy or girl? Results revealed on Tuesday!

A Direct Appeal

Dear Ernesto:
I know you've heard a lot of this lately, but I'd like to make my own request. First of all, please don't listen to Tom, who's begging you to be a Category 4. I know you're but a tropical storm right now, and I'd like to ask you to stay that way or to disintegrate all together. Not only do I not want to be trapped in my house watching the endless rain and worrying about my brand new car flooding (emphasis on BRAND NEW), but Kim Shable is coming. And frankly, I've had a really, really (emphasis on REALLY) crappy week. And I've been looking forward to Kim Shable coming for weeks. We have a date with my back porch and a six pack. We have to get to Krispy Kreme when it's HOT & FRESH. Not to mention that she hasn't even seen She's the Man yet. Do you want to deny her that opportunity? So if you could sacrifice your delusions of grandeur and just GO AWAY, that would be great. Thanks so much.

XO,
Ash

Frustration Station

Today, because of The Client, my job was...

* Demoralizing
* Infuriating
* Saddening
* Disappointing
* Self-doubtful
* Unproductive
* Tense
* Painful
* Exasperating

The kind of day that you want to go in the bathroom and cry. But then you know The Client will have won. And so while you're sitting at your desk, trying to fend off the bad feelings, you start to wonder...is The Client right? Am I just a talentless hack that doesn't know what I'm doing? But you make it through the day. And you eat potato chips for dinner.

Joining the Club

Today I read Pen's and Kim's posts about worrying. Since Pen's starting a club, I figure I should probably join in. As I read through their various worries, I realized that I worry about these kinds of things every day, all day. So much so, that sometimes I let it keep me from doing the very things I need to do so that I can stop worrying about them. And sometimes I worry about things that could be solved one of those things that I just have an aversion to...like phone calls, visits to "meet with someone", trips to official places(like the DMV or the bank or the post office), anything that requires an estimates or paperwork.
Worries are like those cat hair tumbleweeds - ever present, collecting in the corners, and ready to emerge just when I think I've got them under control. All this talk about worry made me think of the way that it sometimes can be darkly funny. Like Edward Gorey and his Gashlycrumb Tinies, here for your dark amusement. And, Pen, I'll try to be a better Worry Club member than Book Club member. Just something else to worry about...

This Morning on "Grace" Street

Last night before going to bed, I had it all planned. Throw all the things I needed for work into a tote to enable me to carry the rotting trash downstairs in one trip. I made it down two flights before one of my shoes or feet or the steps faltered. In one of those slow-motion moments, I dropped my keys, possibly the trash and landed hard on my butt/lower back with a loud "OOF!" I think I might've knocked the breath out of myself. And landed badly on my hip or leg. Anyway. The point is that I felt old and clumsy, had a little bit of that foul smelling garbage juice on me and I may crush and juice about 20 ibuprofen. Ouch.

Thank You, BBC

Dear BBC:
I know I'm about 10 years late with this, but I just wanted to say thanks for Mr. Darcy. Thank you for your fine casting, your willingness to go out on a limb with that wet shirt scene and in particular that look of adoration on Mr. Darcy's face when Elizabeth is playing the piano forte. Thanks for the "Please allow me to express how ardently I love and admire you" line. And for the tall hat, the tight knee breeches and the startched cravats. Thank you for making a nearly-six-hour-movie that I will still stay up til 2:30 AM to watch. Really, I owe you one.

Sincerely,
Ashley

P.S. I'd like to thank the English in general for the gift of Hessian boots. Hot.

Thoughts for Saturday

It's almost 7:30...here are the things I've thought about today:

1) Taking a walk (but not taking one)

2) The gay man at the office came out yesterday - and admitted that he doesn't love my haircut. I'm officially growing it out.

3) How long it will take my hair to grow back out

4) Going to the grocery store (but not going)

5) Sadness over the plate I knocked to the floor off the couch arm and broke into several sadly irreparable pieces

6)How everything in my house that is edible seems to be stale

7) Having seen two drunk college students almost have sex on Front Street last night between the post office and a lunch-only cafe called Betty B's

8) Amusement at Kudzu's new habit of laying on the window sill and sleeping with his face smashed up against the pain or the frame

9) How wonderful it is, sometimes, to have not talked to anyone all day

10) Going to the library to get a book on tape to listen to while cleaning (and not doing either)

11) My hair looks best on Saturdays when no one is going to see it

12) That if I put all the things back in the corner where the ceiling leaked, someone will show up to spackle, paint and sand the ceiling - all over my stuff

13) Why the new Killers album isn't coming out until October

14) How to lose 12 pounds before I have to wear a bridesmaid dress without really trying (or giving up chips, cookies and ice cream)

15) Why I can find time to blog, make my way through 96 episdoes of S&TC, eat, drink, sleep, work, and make a gigantic mess of my apartment, but I can't find time to read a book

16) That I kind of missed taking the new car for a drive today while I was busy staying in

17) Sometimes Kudzu knows just when to come and get in my lap

18) Where to get to dinner from (refrigerator not included)

19) Whether or not I should start the 6-hour Pride & Prejudice, which I suddenly have a yen to do

20) The list of things I should be doing is growing longer the longer I sit on this couch and blog

The Missing Link

My mother will admit that she didn't have it to give. And my father is obviously devoid of it. The Housekeeping Gene. There are those among us who think they don't have it either - but they do. They either are closet housekeepers or they have half of one, maybe an allele or two. But me? I don't have a trace of it. Not even a smidge. I wish I did. I wish reading a book or taking a course or my monthly dose of Real Simple would make me a better housekeeper. But I have some seemingly incurable habits and shortcomings:

* I hate washing dishes. And I have no dishwasher. For Scarlett, tomorrow was another day. For me, tomorrow is supposedly the day I'll do dishes - but don't.

* My most glaring character flaw is an inability to hang up my clothes after work. They end up in a big pile on the end of the ironing board. So that it is impossible to actually use the ironing board for it's proper function.

* Instead of putting things in their proper places, I put them in piles. "This mail goes to the trash. This pile is bills to pay." "This stack of tshirts goes in the armoire." "This bag from WalMart is all stuff to go under the bathroom cabinet." My house is littered with things that belong other places than where they are.

* I have a long-haired cat whose dander is a nightmare. It collects and tumbleweeds across the room. It shows up on my clothes, my furniture, and often my dinner.

* My father cleaned a blockage from the hose on my vacuum cleaner when he was here in July. It was the first time the stupid thing had worked in more than three years.

* Despite the infrequency with which I cook (because it dirties dishes), I manage to keep the refrigerator well-stocked with an assortment of unidentifiable inedibles.

* I have dry cleaning that I've missed a season wearing because I haven't made it to the dry cleaners.

I could go on and on. The things that need to be dusted. Scrubbed. Trashed. Bleached. The all-around unneatness of me. I'm Martha Stewart's worst nightmare. Other than having to wear one of those ankle bracelets again.

Oh So True

"Oh, please. There's always a contest with an ex. It's called who'll die miserable."

- Samantha Jones, Sex & the City, Season 3, Episode 9

Enough Already!

Dear Celebrity Gossip Queens:
You are truly one of the highlights of my day. I know this is a very sad confession, but it's true. Every day, I come home and turn to my laptop for my daily dose of celebrity oopses and uh-ohs and no-nos and brilliance. And that is why I must say enough already with the Matthew McConaughey/Lance Armstrong/Jake Gyllenhal workout coverage. This is not newsy, juicy, or even interesting. And frankly, Matthew's looking a little skeevy these days (i.e. NOT SEXY). I really cannot figure out what all the fuss is over.

So please. Let's turn our attention to the impending birth of the Federspawn or disparaging Tara Reid's latest dreadful fashion choice. I can't take any more cycling/rowing/running/surfing photos. That's why I watch Celebrity Fit Club 4. Duh.

XO,
Ash

A Real Challenge

I love Project Runway. But tonight's show perplexed me on several levels:

1) How baffled all the designers were by having to size and sew something for a less-than-perfect body. Designers, in case you haven't opened up your eyes lately and looked around, most of us do not look like Heidi Klum. And the reason so many people are dressed in horrendous, ill-fitting outfits is because you are determined to design only for 5' 11", starving, flat-chested women.

2) How everyone kept talking about the "plus-sized" women in such a horrible way...talking about how they looked bigger, less attractive. Acting like it was the hardest thing in the world to make clothes that flatter such women. Fashion is obviously not a place for fat-hearted.

3) Why everyone sided with Angela's mom? I kind of thought she was horrible. Not that Jeffrey is such a sweet peach, but honestly, I didn't understand why she had such a temper tantrum. He was trying to do something that kind of played to what she wanted, but I think what she wanted most was attention. I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree.

4) Why Vincent beat Uli. His dress was okay, but frankly not that inspired. I thought Kayne's mom looked so pretty in that paisley print. And I just love Uli.

Poor Robert. I kind of loved him even though........I'm sorry. I fell asleep for a second. Even though his designs bored me to tears. Adieu, Robert!

Who's Laughing Now?

Paramount Pictures just announced that they are slashing funding to Tom Cruise's production company. Once one of their most lucrative deals, they sited Cruise's off-screen behavior as the reason for their decision.

So...does this mean that TomKat is real? Because this announcement definitely goes against the idea that this is a massive PR stunt. Bad news is good news only goes so far until the publicity machine turns against you. And threatens to bankrupt you, leaving you with nothing to support your fake baby and sham fiance.

Yard Art Update

I couldn't help checking out my favorite yard-art infested property on Hwy. 74 today. And while I thought the polar bear on the ice flow was the show-stopper of yard art, that was before I saw the unicorn suspended on wires and flying around the edge of the pond. I kid you not. It was very...Lisa Frank of them.

Nesquik-licious

Every once in awhile, I encounter one of those products that I enjoyed as a child and decide to trip down memory lane and recapture the magic. More often than not, I find that my childhood memory of something is usually better than the real thing. But I've found an exception to the rule.

I rediscovered Nestle Nesquick Strawberry Milk while at Disney World back in October. As a kid, I drank the chocolate counterpart to this on a day to day basis under the name "Choc-Choc." On occasion, my brother and I would branch out and drink the strawberry. I picked it up on whim in one of the food courts at Disney and it was delicious! But that was after a long day in the amusement park, and I'm pretty sure that lighter fluid would've been delicious. I saw it again in the grocery store last night and had to have it. Verdict: the bunny still satisfies.

Ta-da!

Bad Car-ma

I've had the new car for approximately 36 hours. In that time, I've encountered the following:

1) A 1.5% increase in the interest rate I was initially offered because of my "thin credit file" (i.e. I do not own a house). I find this to be just one more instance in which single people are sadly discriminated against. I'm sorry...I am a single income family. I sweated and worried over buying this car, and I'm being penalized because I don't own a house. This does not seem fair.

2) This afternoon, I stood in the driveway admiring the new car prior to leaving for my sister's house. And what did I notice? A dent. A dent in the front passenger side wheel well. A dent that said someone parked next to your debt-mobile just seconds before you signed your life away and threw open his car door and dented your brand new not even off the lot yet only has three miles on it car and NICKED THE PAINT. Needless to say I am sick to death. My parents say that since I accepted the car and drove it off the lot that Toyota no longer has liability. I will have to pay to have it fixed out of pocket.

3) I had zero access to a digital camera in order to post pictures. But I will. As soon as I can.

4) It rained today all over the shiny newly washed car. According to my parents, this is the first time it has rained in weeks.

In summary, my new car didn't even stay a pristine new car for a whole day. Is this a sign of things to come? Should I expect the CD changer to accept and then destroy the first six CDs I put into it? Or have I served out my penance for whatever it was I did to deserve this bad car-ma in the first place?

Another Day Older & Deeper in Debt

This morning, I spent roughly 15 minutes filling out paperwork to create a sizable debt for myself. And as I drove my brand new Rav4 off the lot, I could feel it depreciating. Pics to come tomorrow. Here's to one more bill to pay! (However, the car is fabulous... ;) )