I...

...went to an event tonight that was outside. People. Come on now. It's August. In Georgia.

...want to post more than a list but it's like, my brain is too...humid?

...kind of love Paulo on Shear Genius

...loaned my intern my She's the Man DVD because she hadn't seen it. Criminal.

...can't stop listening to Adele's "Chasing Pavements" and Estelle's "American Boy" (featuring Kanye)

...have eaten nothing but tomato sandwiches all week. Seriously.

...am playing the world's longest game of phone tag with Kim Shable

...hate being disappointed in people

....think that Terry on Project Runway kinda looks like Michael Jackson, circa Thriller, but maybe it's just that red jacket she wore last week

....thought Paris Hilton's mock presidential ad was hilarious. Well done, Paris Hilton.

...have never before been reading so many books at one time

...bought a plane ticket to go see Jenn in St. Louis in two weeks!

...am tired. And going to bed now.

Things I Haven't Seen But Don't Like

* Highschool Musical Two - So so so (so so so) tired of seeing over-makeupped Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens (clothes on or off)

* Hannah Montana - Just the name Miley Cyrus makes me shudder

* Dancing with the Stars - I can't believe that Marie Osmond's collapse was the top news of the day - since the west coast is on fire and the east coast has no water...

* Saw 4 - Creepy mask. Creepy voice. For the fourth time.

* Paris Hilton's new movie - These four words together say it all.

Hooray for Thairapy

Dear Britney:
Now that you've made it to rehab, please stay there until you're better. I'm not sure what took Mama Spears so long to get to you from the bayou. And I'm not sure what exactly the problem is. Symptoms seem to include appearing in public without your th-th-th-thong, striving for the Guiness Book's most chemically damaged hair, and then ridding yourself of said hair all together. You haven't been seen with your boo-boos in quite a while, and frankly, FedEx is looking more like a responsible adult than you these days. That Superbowl commercial he did was actually kind of funny. But I digress.

Obviously, you've found some bad influences, what with taking a leaf out of Lohan's Party Til You Die Guide and allowing Paris Hilton to lead you around with your lady parts hanging out. And I won't even call into evidence those horrible pictures of you with your mouth full of burgers and fries - I'm pretty sure Mama Spears taught you better manners than that.

I know you're maybe pining for J. Timberlake, but I gotta tell you, honey, I'm quite certain that he's sighing with relief rather than sighing with longing. So maybe you should focus on you. Detox. Grow out your locks. Cover up your box. Get back to being a fox. Consider this Dr. Seuss' guide to rehab. Good luck.

XO,
Ash

Paris in Boots

The Go Fug girls do a great job catching celebs and red carpet walkers and even relative unknowns doing very bad things with fashion. Most of the time, I feel like they fully explore everything that could possibly be said about an outfit. But this one...this Paris Hilton monstrosity...deserved further analysis. And I actually laughed out loud when I saw those (f)ugg boots. The matching sweatsuit with ...is that an applique on the thigh? AND on the tank top? And don't even try to tell me you were on your way to work out because you are obviously without a bra, and the girls need support if you're going to hit the treadmill. And those boots. Those boots are terrifying.

Sometimes I think the people who get fugged are trying to be avant garde. But I wouldn't even wear this to Wal-Mart. And that's saying something.

VMAs - A Recap In Brief

For your reading pleasure, and for those of you who missed it, I'll recap the events of the MTV VMAs in 5 words or less. Spoilers abound below.

Oh, and if you want to catch the action, I'm sure it'll only be on 240 times this weekend while you're trapped in your house with Ernesto.

* Winner for Pathetic Use of the Entourage on the Red Carpet: P Diddy's Silence

* Justin Timberlake's show opening performance: Bringing Sexy back
* Jack Black's opening sequence: Included the word "erection"

* Vanessa Manillo's dress: Tight bunchy busty fugly mermaid

* Vanessa Manillo: Kind of orange
* Blackeyed Peas beating "Golddigger" for Best Hip Hop Video: Fergie's humps ain't that great

* Shakira's performance: We get it. You bellydance.

* Ludacris & Pharrell's performance: Gold lame gone wrong

* Addendum to the Ludacris & Pharrell performance: The Pussycat Dolls are men

* Jessica Simpson: As dumb as ever

* Okay Go: Revolutionizing the treadmill - live


* The guys of Jackass: Still jackasses

* Paris Hilton's attire said: Attacked by angry ballerina

* Pink's acceptance speech: A Fiona Apple Throwback

* John Norris: Apparent victim of Sun-In

* Beyonce's alarming performance of "Ring the Alarm": Ultimate pop-and-lock sequence

* T.I.: Who the heck is T.I.??

* Jared Leto: Not Jordan Catalano anymore


* All-American Rejects: Moving along to the bar

* Jack White: Talented but needs a shower

* Presenter Rhianna's dress: Presenting boobs on a shelf


* Panic! at the Disco: Happening Mad Hatters Hot Performance

* Best New Artist, Avenged Sevenfold: "Thank you, God...whichever one."

* Great cameo by Spederline: Oops, I Lost Sean P.


* Kanye West's Video Vanguard Award: The word is "STY-le", not "stal"

* Video Vanguard Presentation: Ernesto is in the house!

* Sarah Silverman's Paris-Hilton-is-fat speech: BRILLIANT

* Christina Aguilera: Plastic hair, hot red dress

* Best Rock Video goes to AFI: And beats "Dani California"???

* Jackass boys, Part II: Always shirtless or naked

* Viewer's Choice Fallout Boy: Yes, he's wearing a cape

* Me at 11:06: I was promised The Killers!!


* Al Gore: Rockin' the Clinton tactic

* Jennifer Lopez: Braless, ta-tas bouncing

* Panic! at the Disco, Video of the Year: Men without hats, strange hair

* Axl Rose's corn rows: Sweet fancy Moses

* The Killers: Hurrah! Finally!


Noteworthy and more than 5 words:
* Justin Timberlake to Jack Black: "Look, Jack. I've maximixed your storage space and added little hook for your keys."

* Al Gore: "I wasn't going to be here tonight, but then MTV explained to me that Justin Timberlake is bringing sexy back. So."

* Justin on Jennifer Lopez: "Why's she wearing a skull cap? That's what I want to know."

* Jack Black on "Six", the mic interceptor when video of the year was announced: "Ooh, I think Six is the new Soy-Bomb!"

Biggest upsets? Madonna & Red Hot Chili Peppers - shut out! Christina Aguilera - shut out! Kanye West - shut out! Times I felt old and out of touch? At least once every fifteen minutes. Longest. Post. Ever. Thanks for tuning in. Look out, Suchin Pak. I'll have your job next year.

That's Knit!

Dear Paris Hilton:
I get that you're not as dumb as you act and probably know what Wal-Mart is and really play up the spoiled little rich princess act on The Simple Life. And that's why I'm wondering why you allowed yourself to be photographed in bra made of two knitted doilies that look like the little covers my grandmother used to put over the extra toilet paper in the bathroom. Also, if you read the celebrity gossip sites, and I'm sure you do, you might notice that you appear there quite frequently in photos where you're showing your breast, nipple, thong or crotch. I'm guessing that those crazy photogs catch you when you don't know you're flashing the camera. So, on those occasions when you do know there's a camera, you should really consider taking a different approach. Underwear. Pants. A skirt? Hot pants at the least?? And lastly, being a girl with rather sizable feet myself, I empathize with the plight of the size elevens you're rocking there. But really. Carrie Bradshaw might pull that off without looking like a hooker. But you with your massive man-feet and fishnets sans panties? I smell a sequel to One Night in Paris. Just thought you should know. Because I don't really like you, but if I have to look at you, I'd like you to at least be presentable.

Thanks,
Ashley

P.S. I wouldn't be opposed to you sending me a small portion of your millions in return for my sage fashion advice.