As I conclude my three-month stint in the harmonious world of e-dating, I want to offer - by way of showing there are no hard feelings - a bit of advice to those men with whom I didn't find the advertised deepest level of compatibility...
Dear Hunter/Gathers:
Thank you for demonstrating your ability to provide dinner. However, it is not necessary to submit photographic proof that you can wrangle up a dead animal.
Dear Dignitary Protection Agent:
In that space for your occupation, "bodyguard" will do.
Dear Lovers of Kenny Chesney and Nickleback:
No.
Dear Self-Proclaimed Einstein (Literally):
When you state that you're "super selective" and have "super attractive" female friends - who, by the way, would marry you immediately if you gave the word - it's super annoying. Stop with the Einstein bit. And the tanning bed.
Dear Brothers with Sister Wives:
I have a brother. And we don't hug like that in pictures.
Dear I'm Bored Already:
Your passion for tennis is riveting.
Dear Divorcees:
For the love of all that is logic, do not post a picture of you wearing your wedding ring.
Dear Intrepid Adventurer:
I do not, in fact, want to go ice climbing with you in patagonia.
Dear Living in Your Mama's Basement:
Bill Cosby called and he wants his sweater back.
Dear Lovers of the Gym:
I'm fat. Get over it.
Dear Self-Employed:
What does that mean, exactly?
Dear Anyone Who Thought I Like to Perform Rap and Hip-Hop:
That was due to my misunderstanding of the difference between listen to and perform. Apologies.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Dear Men of the Online Dating Realm:
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3 cat calls:
Love. Goodbye harmonious-e.
ugh! (but would you reconsider given the abundance of writing material?) ;)
Speaking for all men, I thank you for these valuable pointers. I guess the burden is now placed upon my shoulders to disperse this information among my kind.
But I must say if I were a woman I'd be rather flattered to receive an invitation to join a Patagonian expedition. While ice climbing might not be your thing (nor should it), it's still a pricey trip to be offered. Unless you already live near Patagonia, then it wouldn't be such a big deal.
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